Losing my mind

Losing It

On April 18th I got a call from my sister telling me that they were taking my dad to his doctor appointment early because they couldn’t convince him to go to the emergency room. I’m not sure of the details because of many factors but I think that what happened was my mom heard my dad calling for her and when she got to the bottom of the stairs, she found my dad sitting half way down the flight of steps with his clothing haphazardly on his body, his speech slurring and paralysis on the left side of his body.

He was taken back to the ER where they ran a bunch of tests but couldn’t figure out what was wrong and admitted so they could keep an eye on him.

Since then he’s had MRIs, CAT scans, EEGs and 1 EKG. Every 48 – 72 he’s had fevers, UTIs, seizures, tremors, low platelets, high blood pressure, platelet transfusions, headaches and earaches.

Just about the only thing he hasn’t had is the macarena. 😐

I was at work when I got the initial call and I haven’t gone to work since. Thankfully I’d already taken off for that week because my daughter was off from school but then I ended up spending all of it at the hospital and my daughter stayed with my girlfriend.

Every time things started to calm down and mellow out, some higher force would throw a wrench in to the works and suddenly we’d be back at square one wondering if my dad was going to make it through another 24 hours. At least I was wondering. I’m not sure about everyone else. Life has taught me that’s it’s pointless to count my chicks before they hatch.

After he started having seizures I called in and activated my FML. I go back and forth on whether that was a good decision or not because on one hand I’ve been losing my mind without having work to keep me busy but on the other hand I’d probably run others off the road if I had to drive from Delaware to Philadelphia during a crisis.

I’ve been hovering over my mother like a worried hen and making sure she’s getting enough sleep, taking her medicine and eating. It’s kind of nice to be able to return the crazy favor, to be honest. I’ve also cleaned the whole house (although I’ll be damned if it actually looked that way now) and taken my uncle and mother to all their dr appointments when I’m not away the hospital with my dad.

I go back to work on Monday and I’m both looking forward to and dreading it…

In other news, I’m still single, B is still chatting me up and I’m still leaning towards not dating until next year. I just don’t have it in me to deal with the games. I’m too tired.

I don’t even miss sex.

Know what I miss?

Sleeping like I have no bills and noy realizing that this world is going to shit and there’s nothing I can do about it except smile, rinse and repeat.

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Losing my mind

I just want to sleep

I’m struggling.

I feel like I’m losing it.

My father is still in the hospital and he is doing a lot better but he’s not in the clear just yet.

I’m afraid to relax or get my hopes up because I feel like it will only lead to disappointment.

I’ve been out of work since the 18th when he went to the ER.

I (we) spent the 18th and most of the 19th taking turns sleeping on the ONE seat that doesn’t have arm rests in the family waiting area of the ICU.

Me and my youngest sister stayed the night Friday in to Saturday, I got in to a verbal fight with his (then) neurologist who was pissed that I’d had the nurse call him at 12:30AM to give my dad something for an ear ache that he’d been complaining about since Wednesday but still hasn’t been treated and got to see my father have a seizure. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get that memory out of my head and God bless everyone that had to deal with them on a daily basis…

Since then he was in Aria for a total of 5 full days before the best neurologist allowed he didn’t know why my dad was having all of these complications (multiple seizures that the hospital staff refused to call seizures because they had no proof they were actually seizures, left side of the body paralysis, slurring of speech, fever, and other things my father wouldn’t want me to share) because the brain bleed that they found was only 4mm…

I just can’t…

It took him 5 DAYS to admit he was fucking clueless…

Not sure what’s causing this… Lets run an MRI to check what’s going on… MRI came back clean, let’s run a CT scan to see if that finds anything… CT scan shows a small bleed but doesn’t account for these issues, lets get an EEG… EEG came back negative… Lets run an MRI to check what’s going on… MRI came back clean, let’s run a CT scan to see if that finds anything… CT scan shows no change, lets get an EEG…

For 5 fucking days.

Meanwhile, the man I’ve only seen cry at his father’s funeral (I wasn’t at his mother’s so he may have cried then too) is in so much pain from a headache and saying his ear hurting that he is crying for me to have the nurse call the dr.

They finally give him ear drops and he fell asleep as they were putting them in his ear.

We all lived at that hospital for days.

We reached the point where you know you have to go home and go to sleep because suddenly everything is hysterically funny but you can’t stop crying…

Thank God I already had taken off last week because my daughter had spring break (a fact that I find ridiculous because she’s 5 years old) because I would have lost my mind if I’d had to drive back and forth every day.

The Tuesday he was transferred to another hospital I applied for FML because how I’d my mom going to get to the hospital to see my dad, who is going to make sure my mom eats, who will take care of Barry when my mom isn’t there, who will make sure everyone gets to dr appointments.

I haven’t been this stressed since my husband died and no one had even died this time…

That Tuesday I spent the majority of my dad tearing through the house cleaning because I wasn’t allowed to go to the hospital because it was my brother’s day. A fact that still pisses me off because it’s stupid.

I need to go back to work as soon as possible but I’m afraid to leave because I’m going to fall behind on everything aft the house and I’ll be so far away that if something happens it will take me almost am hour and a half to get home (because: fucking traffic).

Plus any time I take away from work prolongs any potential promotions that I may have been in line for and as much as I don’t care because this is more important, I do care because I still need a job at the end of the day.

I feel like such a schlep because I haven’t done anything related to my job in over a week.

Added to this caustic mix of emotions and fears is the fact that B is still chasing me up and trying to be supportive but because I’m all over the place I don’t even know what to do other than nod and change the subject when he says how I’m beautiful… I haven’t shaved my legs since mid-January, I’ve gained back all the weight I lost before, I’m exhausted all the fucking time and I’m stressed the fuck out.

I want to believe him again.

I really do.

But I don’t know how.

And I don’t know if it’s because of all this other stuff I’ve got going on or if it’s because he’s just full of shit, or both.

I just don’t know.

I just want to sleep.

Losing my mind

ER

The plus side of no longer having a ton of friends is that there is much less drama.

The downside is that you are limited to the amount of people you have to call and ask to bring you alcohol and cigarettes while you wait in the ER parking lot and try not to lose your shit because the bitch at the front desk wouldn’t let you back to check on your mom who fell and twisted her knee while sitting with your father who is there because he was/is having a stroke.

I swear to God.

I totally get why people go out and O.D.

Because I want a case of twisted teas and a pack of cigarettes.

I realize that’s totally different from intentionally overdosing but it’s the closest thing I have to it.

Losing my mind

Emotional Artifact

B is talking about how he misses having someone that cared about him and loved him and saying that he misses all these things.

I don’t know how to respond.

When it comes to thinking about all of those things, I feel like I’m stuck on emotional autopilot.

I can’t remember ever feeling those things.

But I know that I did.

Every once in a while I’ll get lost in my own thoughts and I’ll eventually wander upon a memory that I’d packed up and forgotten. Kind of like an emotional artifact or fossil.

Whenever I find them I try and stuff them back down before the feels take hold. Otherwise I’m afraid I’ll get lost in the emotions and down…

B is saying that I was wrong.

That I misunderstood him.

But I remember what was said and I remember what happened.

But then I remember how many people have told me or said that I was crazy and I second guess myself.

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe this is all just something I made up in my head.

Maybe I am wrong.

My arguement is that I can’t tell if I’m right or wrong or if I’m crazy. I can’t tell if it’s me or if it’s everyone else. For the most part I’m too tired to allow myself to care.

I feel like I’m just meant to be single forever.

Maybe not so much because it doesn’t exist but just because I don’t know that the risk is worth the reward.

Not even counting all that happened prior to becoming widowed.

I get that that’s just life.

I get that it sucks something.

That people can be real asshats for no good reason.

But is it really worth me putting myself out there just to go through all of it all over again?

It might be true that nothing could be worse than what I’ve already gone through but is it worth the risk of finding out if it’s true?

More people = more chaos

Why allow more chaos if I’m just figuring out how to be with what I’ve got?

Losing my mind

Still Trucking

I started talking to B again. Just talking.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. Never talked to anyone after we had broken up. This is new, unchartered territory.

I can’t tell what he’s after but I did tell him that I’m not dating again until the end of this year.

The truth is that I don’t think I care. I feel like that makes me sound like a horrible person but then I realize that I don’t care enough to care so I move past it pretty quick.

I lack the brain power right now to play Nancy Drew and figure out what’s on his agenda. I haven’t bought a house yet so I’m still doing that drive and while it’s probably not that bad, I’m pretty much over it.

Mostly because it doesn’t matter which one of us is right:

A) Him: I was/am going through a lot and I’m just being very hard on myself. Highly plausible, tbh.

B) Me: I’m not ready to date yet for a lot of reasons. Also highly plausible.

But neither of those reasons really matter because at the end of the day, I feel like I don’t have time/energy (but mostly energy) for anything and what I do have, I have to give to my daughter.

Am I still attracted to him? Duh. Yes.

But that doesn’t mean I should be in a relationship with him (or anyone else for that matter).

Right now the only interest I have when it comes to a man is having someone to snuggle with me until I fall asleep.

That’s it.

I’m just too tired for anything else.

And that’s not fair to the other person.

So why bother?

So that’s where it stands.

Single: Day 92. Still trucking and not looking for a fucking…

That’s about all I’ve got.

Losing my mind

Friends

I realized today that since my husband died, I stopped being friends with men. All of them. I don’t even talk to my brother in laws really. I just stopped associating with them on a friend level.

I tried to think back to a time when I’d been friends with a member of the opposite sex. The only one I could come up with was a friend in sophomore/junior year of high school. Said friend wasn’t in to women and was only interested in my friendship.

These facts seem trivial until I rephrase it: The ONLY male friend I’ve ever had was gay and was only friends with me for a short time (meaning someone I didn’t meet through my husband).

I feel like there had to be something more to this, right?

So then I started thinking, why is it that I’ve never had any male friends? Meaning make friends that I would just talk to randomly. Strictly platonic.

Once I started dating a guy, I stopped talking to all my friends (regardless of gender).

I don’t know why though.

Did I never value their friendship?

What gives?

It is very hard for me to make friends that I can connect with on a personal level that get me and are okay with my moods. By moods I am referring to my habit of being sound 24/7 and then dropping off the face of the earth for a few weeks (maybe months, it depends) before resurfacing again. A lot of people don’t get it. Hell, half the time I don’t even get it. But it’s just how I am.

It’s one of the reasons why I decided to take off from dating in 2019.

I think that stepping back from all of that will give me a chance to learn how to be more kind to myself and be a better friend all around.

After 2019, I’ll decide if it’s worth it to risk dating again.

I don’t even know if ‘risk’ is the right term.

All I know is that I’m so tired of putting my energy in to a relationship that ends up not working out.

It’s depressing.

Disheartening.

Downright irritating.

So maybe in 2019 I’ll figure out how to be friends with myself.

Losing my mind

Time

A little over a year ago I set up an app to automatically record every incoming and outgoing call.

That way if someone dies I’ll still be able to hear their voice.

I can’t remember what his voice sounds like anymore.

Or his laugh.

While he was alive I never thought to record them because why would I?

We had so much more time left together.

Losing my mind

too broken to fix

The anxiety has started again.

I can’t concentrate.

I can’t keep things straight in my head.

I feel like finishing one task takes too long.

But when I ask others, I’m told not to sorry about it and that I’m doing great.

I hate this.

I don’t know if it’s me getting inside my head and making a big deal about nothing.

I don’t know if it’s a big deal and I’m not making a big enough priority.

I can’t tell.

I feel like I’ve always been this way.

What happened didn’t help.

I’m trying to do better.

Trying to get better but I can’t tell if I’m actually progressing or not.

I can’t trust anyone or get an honest opinion that doesn’t stab me in the back later.

I’m scared that I’m too screwed up to change.

No matter how hard I try to be different, be better, be more of what’s needed, it’s never enough.

I haven’t forgotten to take my medicine. That’s the first thing I thought of.

I’ve been sleeping ok. Since my daughter gave me her head cold, I had to take benadryl and zyrtec so I’m not up all night coughing, which is probably why I’m sleeping better. When I’m not on anything, I wake up every 30 – 60 minutes, look at the clock and roll back over and go back to sleep. It happens so many times that by the time my alarms (all 5 of them (that sound like an atomic war alarm)) go off, I don’t even hear them. I’m starting to look like a slacker again at work again because I can’t get my brain to work.

I want to be angry that no one cares about all the stuff I’m juggling.

Then I remember that everyone else in the world is juggling stuff too.

And they probably feel the same way.

Their brain’s silently screaming in frustration as they find out, yet again, that their best isn’t good enough and wishing someone or something could help them.

Could make them better.

Wondering if they have what it takes to make it in this life.

Wondering is it really this hard for everyone else or is it just me that struggles this much.

How do I fix this defect in myself so that I can be as good as everyone else.

If I could just be average, I’d be happy with that…

I feel like 2% of the time I’m on the ball but the other 98% of the time, the lights are on but no one is home (or no one was ever even there or it was foreclosed on a long time ago, auctions have passed but it’s still there. Empty. Falling apart while the world keeps spinning.

I don’t understand how I’m on 100mg of Zoloft and 450mg of Wellbutrin and still depressed.

Shouldn’t I be like Wonder Woman at this point?

Maybe I’m too broken to fix.

Losing my mind

Squatchy

2 months and 5 days single

I just caught myself daydreaming about how awesome my next relationshit is going to be.

Dating Bio:

“Mother of Toddler

Enjoys: country music, gardening and sleeping

Dreams of: living off the grid and being in a hip hop dance company video

#ItsAllAboutTheSnuggles #ImJustInItForThePancakes”

It’s also been a while since I’ve shaved my legs. Things are getting a little squatchy…

I’m not looking forward to shaving in the summer.

Maybe I’ll resort to saving instead…

I hope it nice out tomorrow. This crap weather is making me cagey.

Losing my mind

Quest for a She Shed

I’ve been looking for a house near my job off and on for the last 2 years.

I’ve wanted to buy AT LEAST three of them.

The first one was adorable, affordable and ended up having a 2 inch crack in the main beam with an additional saggy floor.

The second one sold before I was able to have second opinions on the property.

The third one is currently making me question if I’m supposed to own a home in this lifetime… I realize this probably seems overdramatic but this commute is killing my back and I just want it to end. I have all this extra crap I have to deal with every day. Do you have any idea how hard it is to focus on healing and fixing yourself to be happy when 1/4 of your day is spent in traffic cursing the blacktop? It’s exhausting. It reached the point where it started to make me inwardly seethe about a year ago. This is bullshit and I can’t even scream in a pillow about it because people will come running.

I’m tired of dealing with other people crap.

I’m tired of knowing when people are lying to me.

I feel like I need to move before I lose my mind.

I feel like Charlize Theron in The Devil’s Advocate. Not to such that extent but ever since Mike died I’ve gotten this sixth sense about when people are being dishonest and sneaky. To make matters worse, there isn’t much that I can do about it other than to start/continue ignoring them and doing this isn’t bringing me solace any more. It doesn’t feel like it’s enough to just stop talking to those people. I feel like I need to GTFO ASAP.

It’s killing my anxiety.

I’m having issues staying asleep and then waking up on time.