I’ve hit a slight road block.
It’s a really odd one though.
I’m not really sure how to explain it so this is probably going to be a bit of a clusterfuck.
But at least I’m consistent…
I’m not sure where to go from here.
I’m happy but I’m also frustrated.
In general I’m happy with my life. Something I am over extremely impressed with since it’s never happened before. I feel like since I switched my daughter to a school closer to my job things have gotten a little better. It’s still stressful but in a different way. Whereas before I was stressed because I had to rely on others to help me with her every day, now I really only have to rely on myself with the exception of when she is with my mother-in-law every other weekend.
Additional pluses to bringing her to and from work/school with me are:
- not having to rush home before and after work to take her off someone else’s hands
- knowing she’ll have a way to and from school
- having extra time with her every day (color-spy and song singing bonding a plenty!)
- a few days a week, she’ll fall asleep during the car ride home and then sleep until the following morning. This is amazing! She gets her full 12-13 hours of sleep per day and is like a different child AND I have options that don’t revolve around Mickey Mouse Club House a few nights a week.
It’s also spring again so I’m able to go outside and get yard work done.
But it’s also spring again and the list of things I’m being told I’m not allowed to do in the yard is pretty much everything, I feel.
I wanted to plant creeping flowers along the driveway to pretty it up a bit but that got vetoed because my mother said that my father wouldn’t like the idea.
I wanted to plant grass seed in the back and along the side and was told no because it’s a waste of money because we have dogs. I had asked why we couldn’t just block off the side yard long enough for grass to take root. You would have thought I’d suggested chopping the dogs’ legs off.
I wanted to plant a container garden. I was told it’s a lot of up-keep.
I decided to use the weed killer on the lawn to get rid of the dandelions and was told I couldn’t use it because of the dogs and the baby even though the bottle clearly says that it’s kid and pet safe.
I used it anyway.
Now every time one of the dogs blinks wrong, I’m told it’s because of the weed killer I used.
If the baby develops a nervous tick, I’m screwed.
I decided to mow the lawn but couldn’t because then it started raining and kept raining for 2 freaking weeks.
Every time I’d set aside a weekend to clean/do laundry and re-organize our bedrooms, something would happen that kept me from accomplishing my tasks. Either I got sick, my daughter got sick or my mother in law would have to cancel.
I know there are people that say that there is not enough time in the day but I think the majority of them are full of shit.
These are probably the same people that say that they understand what I’m going through because they raised children while their husbands worked or both of them (husband and wife) worked.
It’s not at all similar and if I hear it again I’m going to end up homeless or in jail.
I was once like them.
Once I thought that it would be easier if it was just me and Charlie because it would be one less person to take care of.
I thought about asking for a divorce.
I never got the chance to follow through though.
I don’t know how to explain how I feel right now.
I feel happy but I also feel ungodly frustrated.
I feel like a whiny little bitch but then I feel like I kind of deserve to whine.
I feel normal but I feel like I don’t have any time to do anything.
I feel like I’m falling back in to another rut but I don’t know how to make it stop.
But I know if I don’t do anything then it will definitely happen.
On the bright side, I had almost a whole month and a half of good times.
Back to the drawing board I go…
More specifically, I go to my Pinterest account and scroll through my feed and I come face to face with things that cannot help me right now because either A) not enough time, B) not my house and/or C) requires child to be awake and no chores remaining.
So back to square one.
With a box of Kleenex and hopefully a get out of jail free card so that when I snap I won’t be in prison for a long time.
How do I do this without spending more money?
I really need to get a grip on this fucking grief spending debacle.
This is fucking bullshit.