Losing my mind

i hate

It has been 2 years, 3 months, 0 weeks and 4 days and I am still not sure if I am mad at you.

I get this feeling in my sternum that feels like a pent up scream.

I get this feeling in my tear ducts that they want to flow like Niagara falls.

But I can’t fall apart

I can’t fall apart

Because I am afraid that I might not be able to put myself back together

Because I have been told that ‘I have to be strong for OUR baby’

Because if I fall apart, people judge me and whisper that I’m crazy

They talk shit about something they have either never lived through

Or something they have lived through but felt they did/ could have done better than I am currently doing

So I have to quickly switch my attention to something else

Candy Crush Soda, Candy Crunch Saga and Candy Crush Friends

Have saved many a Kleenex from total destruction

I want to go back

To the day we moved in to our 1 bedroom apartment on Griffith Street

To the time I went to answer the door and you snuck up behind me, scared me and in your mad dash to run away you ran full-body in to the wall and the whole place shook

To the moment when I told you that I had gotten what you always wanted: an orange and white kitten (in addition to the other kitten that we were already getting from my sister) (and my Golden Retriever) (in a one bedroom apartment)

To any of the numerous times we had your friends over to watch wrestling or my friends over for a potluck dinner

To the time at Tony’s graduation party where Rob tried to pull a finishing move on Doug and ended up dropping him right on his head

To your fist camping trip where, upon getting out of the car and hearing Spanish music, you loudly said ‘GOD DAMN IT IF I WANTED TO HEAR MARANGUE, I WOULD HAVE STAYED HOME!’ and the looks on my families’ faces as every person in the campgrounds turned to stare at us

To the first time I met Angel and Susan, Tony, AJ, Rob

To the time I walked in to Mom’s house and Titi Jeannie proclaimed ‘Not another one!’

To when you still lived with Nicky and we would sit for HOURS and watch Law and Order SVU

To the time you made me and Nicky lunch and I also choked to death on a grain of rice

Or one of the many times we were getting ready to move and would sit and watch every movie we could, in alphabetical order because we had canceled the cable early so we wouldn’t get screwed by Comcast

I want to be blissfully happy in my ignorance again

But this reality isn’t going to ever change

The younger version of me has lost that innocence

Without you here you make new happy memories

The things I remember first are the tough times

Our first argument where you were yelling at me and I was crying

The time I took longer to get to a family party because I wanted to finish sanding the bathroom walls and you flipped out

All the times that I was on the overnight shift and pregnant and you went out without me (I told you to go because I felt like shit that you had to be bored at home but I wanted you to tell me that it didn’t matter and that you wanted to stay home with me because that was where you wanted to be)

Looking back I question whether I had the right to be angry

Happy

I question if I had the right to be sad

Scared

I question if I had the right to feel any of the human emotions I felt

If I have the right to feel any now

Being angry takes on a whole new meaning when you can’t interact with the person you are angry with

Not because they have blocked your cell

Not because they have blocked you via Facebook

Not because they have moved

But because that person is dead

Now I have all these memories, both good and bad, and my other half isn’t here for me to bounce them off of

To tell me I am misremembering

To tell me that I over reacted

To tell me sorry

To give me anything aside from this black hole that is currently your presence

Being angry now feels like being thrown in to the deep end of a pool with weights tied to my feet

I’m still angry that you just left me ‘No matter what happens, remember that I love you’

I’m still angry that our friends and family had to log on to Facebook and see my post on your page ‘If anyone has seen my husband, please let me know.

I am still angry that I was so oblivious to the days future events that morning that I emailed one of my coworkers and asked him to ‘check on my instrument because I have a family emergency and won’t be in today because of a family emergency’ as I made an illegal U-turn on 95S right after the Girard Point Bridge because I was calling you to make sure you were awake for work but you weren’t answering any of the phone and I, foolishly, just thought you’d seen my message back to her and weren’t responding because you were angry with me

I am still angry that I called the first fucking person I could think of to help me find you and it was the one person I shouldn’t have put through that shit ‘Hey. Are you at work?’…’Mike’s work just called. He didn’t show up for work. We got in to an argument this morning because I caught him talk to some chick and I told them to call his mom because if anyone knew where they were, she would but she just called me freaking out because she doesn’t know where he is and he isn’t answering her phone calls.’… ‘He said he left with his tuff so he wouldn’t have to come back but he left all his stuff here. But his guns are gone. This doesn’t make any sense. He didn’t take his medicine.’

I’m so fucking angry that up until the point that my dad pulled up and got out of the car with my mother I 100% thought that you were sitting some place in your car or driving around until you could clear your head just like every other time we got in to an argument

I am still angry that this was the FIRST AND LAST TIME I called my father at work because we were always told not to call him unless it was an emergency

I am still angry that I tell our Daughter Princess Charlie stories to explain how you died and about all the things that King Daddy did with Princess Charlie before God let him go to heaven

I am fucking furious that one of your people wanted to hang out with ‘no strings attached’ and the other didn’t see any issue with saying something completely inappropriate to me IN FRONT OF OUR DAUGHTER

I’m pissed that you were the glue that held so many relationships together and now that you’re gone, they all dissolved; Our lives are now like a supersaturated drink of gummy bears and vodka: messy and deluded even though sometimes you can still see the remains of who we used to be floating in the abyss

I’m mad because I can’t listen to the radio or watch 99% of what’s on TV because it reminds me of you. By the way, CTCA has entirely too many fucking commercial

I irritated and hurt that when something happens, I still want to tell you first but I can’t text or call your phone and you don’t answer me via Facebook Messenger

I’m livid that I can’t look at our wedding photos without feeling all the hope drain from my body and when I do have to look at it because our daughter wants to see them, I have to force myself to have an out-of-body mentality so I can survive

I’m annoyed that you have taken the joy of out Law and Order SVU, Game of Thrones, House, 93.3 WMMR, Wrestling, Triple H and Comic book movies

I am mad that even though I will NEVER watch any of them, I still have all of your DVDs and they are just sitting in my room collecting dust but I can’t get rid of them because of what they meant to us

I’m mad that I’ve always had a storage bin of memories (little trinkets or books, etc. that I was given) but I got rid of most of them so I would have a safe place to keep your things that I couldn’t part with

I’m mad that your wallet sits in that bin with all your credit cards and the $60 in cash that was in it when our friend brought them home to me from the morgue and that as much as I know that money is mine as well, I can’t take it out and use it, ever, because it feel like I’m desecrating something holy

I hate that I miss you

I hate that I have a boyfriend who seems like the best thing since BLTs (with Hellman’s) who has the following conversations with me:

November 2018

Me: Babe, is there anything that you need or want

Him: You

Me: That’s it?

Him: Yup you

Me: You’d be ok with that being your Christmas present though? Because that’s why I was asking…

Him: You are my Christmas Present, every time I see you

But I am afraid to allow myself to relax and go with it because of the time I was pregnant and asked you to borrow money so I could go buy you a birthday present and you told me that you weren’t going to give me your money so I could go buy you a birthday present and then you were upset on your birthday present when I didn’t have anything for you

I’m mad that you didn’t tell anyone the whole story

I read somewhere that grief is misplaced love

The reason why it hurts so much is because we have all this love to give

But the person we want to give it to isn’t here

So it gets bottled up

Until it explodes

I hope, like many others, that this misplaced love is wistful and happy

But I doubt it will ever be

Because I will always feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest

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Losing my mind

THIS IS SUCH A LOAD OF BULLSHIT!

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to punch him in the fucking face.

This was less than a year before he died via suicide.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to watch the myasthenia gravis slowly take him from us instead of having him here once second and gone the next.

I fucking hate this shit.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN TO OUR BABY THAT THIS MAN KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS DEPRESSED AND PHYSICALLY SICK?!

#Bullshit #ToroCaca #MyastheniaGravis

Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 13

Oh my god.

How is it only day 13?

Argh.

I’m getting bored with this.

This might be my fat bunnyfood post.

We’ll see…

Breakfast Moroccan Melange: it was ok but my period is due next week so all I wanted was pizza and chocolate…

Lunch: Black Bean Pasta Alfredo it was ok but the word ‘pasta’ should not be used in the name. (It had pasta made from blablacblack beans that were kind of rubbery.)

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Because I’m bored with this topic…

Maybe some of my veggie lover friends can give me some ideas to beat the boredom blues?

Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 12

So far the switch up in intermittent fasting times has been working. Last Thursday I switched to a 10/14 platform and it’s been much easier! One of my problems if forgetting to eat and when combined with a long commute it was damn near impossible to still to before.

When combined with the ‘Vegan before Dinner’ plans it makes sticking to both much easier because I can eat 2 meals at work and one at home plus snacks.

Do you know how hard it is to crunch 2000 calories in to 8 hours? It’s rough!

So today’s breakfast was the Three Layer Egg Scramble. It was ok. I think I find it a little boring because I’ve already had it so many times.

I decided on the Tortilla Chilli to break up the monotony (que the Fresh Prince theme song...) and I wasn’t disappointed at all!

It tasted just like regular chili only with a smidge more beans.

Definitely worth trying!

#WorthyWidow #Veestro #21DayKickstart #Vegan #TortillaChilli #VeganChilli #IntermittentFasting

Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 11

Lunch today was a Spanish Torta. I’ve never had a Spanish torta before so I can’t comment on how it compared with non-vegan varieties but it was pretty good.

It reminded me of a veggie lasagna that used potato species in lieu of lasagna noodles.

It was a little soupy (even more so after I added the sauce to it) and would have been easier to eat with metal utensils. But it was good.

Dinner was Red Curry with Tofu which was still as delicious as the last time I had it.

#Vegan #WorthyWidow #Veestro #21DayKickstart #RedCurry #SpanishTorta

Losing my mind

Consumer Math Class – Archbishop Ryan High School circa 1999

I’ve always been good with the concept of being financially fit but applying those concepts in real life has always been elusive. That’s why when I was in high school I opted for an elective class called ‘Consumer Math’.

Now this class was marketed towards students who weren’t going to college. This was because the reality of adulthood was going to knock them on their asses faster than it did the rest of us. Even though I was going to college (because I didn’t have a choice), I took the class because I was clueless how to survive. Very little had changed in this dept up until recently. Very recently.

Might as well take all the help you can get, right?

In this class, we learned things like:

  • How to balance a checkbook
  • How to pay bills
  • How to open a ROTH IRA
  • How to follow the stock market
  • How to buy/sell stocks
  • Plus a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember right now

I don’t even know if classes like this are still offered today but if they are there’s only a few things I’d change.

If I taught the class, this is how I would do it:

  1. How are you going to earn a living after you graduate from high school? FYI: ‘I’m going to college so I won’t need a job right away’ is a bullshit answer… Test – Plan it out on paper: What do you want to do to make money? How are you going to do it? What can you do NOW to start setting that up so you can jump right in once you graduate? If going to college, what are you going to major in and why? How are you going to earn money while you’re in college?
  2. How to set up a FEASIBLE budget (needs vs wants): Test – Hand in a working budget and explain how it works
  3. How to figure out how much money you need to make to stick to the budget: Test – Draw out a plan that describes how your going to get the job you need to live the life you want to have (realistic goals not the I want to be a billionaire bullshit)
  4. How to get apply for a job and what to wear to the interview: Test – following the plan, put applications in at places that will get you to the first step in the Job Plan; While waiting to hear back about the applications, practice interviewing each other using common interview questions and find a nice outfit to wear for any interviews. Also teach how to MAKE EYE CONTACT and PAY ATTENTION
  5. Post-interview etiquette: Have a generic thank you card already filled out and put it in the mailbox right after you leave the interview. Once you can send an email, IMMEDIATELY send the hiring manager an email thanking her for her time and why you want the job
  6. Getting a job at a company that fits your needs: It’s awesome if you can get a job making so much money that you have extra left over every month but if that company doesn’t value you as a person, you’re going to be miserable as fuck. What do you need from an employer to feel as though you matter? What do you need to make you happy enough to stay when there’s a salary cut? What other factors do you need to be mindful of when applying and interviews for jobs?
  7. Test: Get a job and bring in proof via your first paystub
  8. Midterm: Last day of every month, bring in a copy of your working budget showing cash flow, copy of bank statements and copies of bills. An audit will be performed and grades will be assigned based on how well all of these things are working as a whole. The will be no curves on grades because the aren’t any in real life
  9. Final: same as midterm only will also focus on plans for the future and how to keep it going.

What made me think of this?

Well I started reading that book (Total Money Makeover) and realized that no one had actually gone out of their way to teach me these things.

I was taught how to color in the lines, spell, share and use a spoon but not this.

I was taught so many other things, things that I will never use: geometry, trigonometry, Shakespeare and religion just to name a few.

For 18 years I had religion class but only one time did anyone attempt to teach me how to deal with money the correct way…

Why?

Religion has its place and all but God can’t stop the debt collectors.

There will be no Noah to part the Red Sea and lead the fiscally challenged to financial peace. Although the thought of my debt collectors being washed away once the water went back in to place is a pretty funny day dream I have.

#TimeForChange #WhyIsReligionSoImportant #TotalMoneyMakeOver #BabyStepOne #BabyStep1 #DavidRamsay #TeachKidsHowToBeFinanciallySavvy

Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 10

I weighed myself this morning.

It was a horrible idea.

I gained a pound.

I was going to say that I don’t get it but then I remembered I had French toast at 9pm last night with B.

That said, I’m not going to subscribe to Veestro and once this food is gone I’m not buying more. As good as they are, I’ve been trying to not hemorrhage money and $10+/meal is hella pricey on any budget.

Step 1 was to viciously murder my Discover Credit Card and freeze my account.

Step 2 is to execute every subscription I currently have in the works which include Veestro.

It was very good but I can’t warrant the cost. Especially when I can go to Acme or ShopRite and get frozen meals out of the freezer section for under $5.00 (even less with a coupon). Obviously the Veestro meals are more money because they are all organic, vegan and delivered to your front door. So it makes sense why they cost more. I’m just trying to not be about that life anymore.

If you’re interested in try it and going the fully Monty, check out one of the offered meal plans instead of just doing the a la cartè options. It is slightly cheaper and some of them include juices (for the juice cleanse) as well.

That said, today’s meals were:

Oatmeal Breakfast Pie – it tasted a little funny this time around. Kind of had a hint of bell pepper or something. Like when you have food uncovered in the refrigerator and all the other uncovered foods get a hint of the other’s flavors in them.

I finally figured out how to take a decent foodie photo!
Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 9

My daughter is trying to kill my love of bacon…

She was Miss Piggy for Halloween 2018 and I might be biased but she’s a cute little oinker!

Mom Win though because the total cost of this costume was $10.00 😱😛🙊🤷‍♀️💁‍♀️

On to bunnyfood…

I need to get better with being mindful of the time because apparently I got lost in an Excel sheet at work this morning at 9AM and when I looked at the clock it was 2:30PM…

So for breakfast I had a medium Dunkin Donuts Dark roast with creme* and sugar and a 10 ct of munchkins. Don’t judge me! My coffee machine broke and I forgot to grab breakfast!

For lunch/dinner, or ‘linner’, I had Mushroom Risotto!

Yes. I put real butter* on them.

Mushrooms rank in my top 5 veggies so I’m happy as a clam with this one. The rice/peas/mushroom concoction was super tasty and so were the carrots.

I was skeptical of the kale and too be honest I wasn’t impressed with chewing on it solo and had to mix it with the risotto.

Overall pretty good though.

I’d give it an 8 out of 10.

Regarding the intermittent fasting I’ve decided to try and switch it up to st if I can get it to work better for me.

I found this app called ‘Body Fast’ and it walks you through the process in addition to offering different fasting times and durations. I was doing the 16-8 method but since I clearly suck at that one I’m switching to 10-14.

Cross your fingers!

#Veestro #vegan #mushroomrisotto #mushroom #kale #intermittentfasting #bodyfast

* creme and butter were not vegan (however please note that I never said that they were)

Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 8

I’m still trying to figure out this intermittent fasting thing.

I was fasting from 6pm to 10am but decided to switch it around so that I could eat breakfast on my way in and not take my medicine on an empty stomach.

Yeah.

Instead I forgot to eat lunch and dinner and was starving by 6pm so I had chicken nuggets and called it a night.

I’ve heard there are people that lose weight when they forget to eat…

That doesn’t work for me.

Clearly.

Anywho, today I am having Eggplant Casserole!

Same thing as the others with not noticing that it was vegan.

I also didn’t notice it didn’t have any noodles in it until I was halfway through. Instead it had wide slices of eggplant bathed in crumbled vegan cheese, yellow squash, zucchini squash and spinach. Plus it had this delish red sauce.

I’d love to post what I ate for dinner but I didn’t eat dinner because I forgot…

Now if only forgetting to eat made me lose weight instead of gain weight.

#WorthyWidow #Veestro #21DayKickstart #Vegan #EggplantCassarole #NowINeedANap #Zzzzzzz

Losing my mind

Bunnyfood Day 7

Funny story…

I joke around that I have A.D.D. but at one point I was on adderall for it. I was actually on adderall off and on for a while but around December 2016 I stopped taking it because it was making me hyper-focus and jittery. A.k.a. I looked an obsessed Michael J. Fox (#TooSoon?)

The reason I bring this up is because I was taking to my therapist this past Saturday about a whole bunch of shit send she said she thinks I have A.D.D.

On one hand it’s kind of a relief because the amount I stuff I forget/hyper-focus on is just not natural.

The ist reason I bring this up is that I meant to write this post yesterday but I forgot. 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

But better late than never…

Enchilada Casserole was on yesterday’s menu. It was very tasty. If I didn’t know it was vegan I should have never guessed! (Evidence: downbut even know they were vegan meals until a few days in!)

That’s all I’ve got for yesterday.

Hopefully I don’t speak on today.

#VeestroEnchiladaCasserole #EnchiladaCasserola #Enchilada #TexMexCasserole #Vegetarian #WorthyWidow #21DayKickstart #Yummo #ThisDailyFoodUpdareIsFuckingTimeConsuming