The Worthy Widow

Wooooo-sahhhhhh…

Dear Mike, — January 13, 2018

Dear Mike,

It’s been a while since we talked.

I think about you every second of every day.

Probably as often, if not more so, than I think of Charlie.

We’re still living at my parents house. They’re still arguing about politics <<<surprise, surprise>>>.

StateFarm is still calling me about your SUV which is just fabulous. Nothing makes it a 10-point day like having some fucktard tell you that you owe them money to fix the damages in your husband’s car that he caused in his ‘accident’. Although it does make me feel slightly better after they say that because then I can unload and drop the suicide bombshell on them and listen to them studder after I finish screaming at them.

We’re looking at houses closer to my job in Delaware. I’m hoping to be able to move over the summer so I don’t have to pull Charlie out of school.

I found the cutest little house. Its about 25-30 minutes from my job in one of the best school districts. It looks like the little hobbit house we used to dream about when we lived in Griffith Street. It’s 3 bedrooms and 1 bath with a big fenced in yard and a brand new kitchen.

Bungalow Style House (aka hobbit house) from www.houseplans.com – for example purposes only; Not the house I’m trying to buy.

I know you’d be head over heels for it.

Not crossing my fingers on getting it but I’m doing my best to make it happen.

I finally bought a new bed because I couldn’t deal with the other one anymore. I don’t know how you could have felt that mattress was comfortable. Lord knows I hated it since day 1. I ended up getting a sleep number bed because at least it’s adjustable. It’s an added plus that I can imagine you freaking the fuck out over the possibility of it shorting out while I’m asleep and catching on fire with me in it and consequently burning the whole house down. By the way, I looked this up and there are no complaints of anyone dying in a fire caused by an electrical short in the mattress. Last night was my first night using it and I woke up before my alarm this morning so I’m counting it as a win.

Things have been so insane regarding both of our family’s in the last few months. I wish you were here to help me through this. I hate that I have to do it by myself now. I know that I can go to people and all for help but that comes at a price and honestly it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own so whatever. I’ll figure it out just like I always have.

I really wish that I was angry with you for killing yourself but no matter what way I look at it, I just can’t be. I’ll never know exactly why you did it but at the end of the day I just keep remembering how quickly the MG was progressing and how you were so concerned at how tired I was for everything I had taken over. I’m pretty sure everything that you kept from me was an attempt to protect me. I’d imagine, knowing how you were, that you viewed it as your job as the man to take care of those things without stressing me out. I still wish you had told me though. Even if the MG had still taken you from us, at least we could have helped each other.

Maybe we’ll be lucky and the next time around we’ll both do it better.

I question how much I love(d) you all the time and that’s pretty irritating. I feel like I didn’t love you enough and that’s why I’m not as angry as I feel I should be. That if I’d loved you, then I’d be more of a mess. But that doesn’t sound right either because regardless of whatever I’m portraying on the outside, inside I’m a pretty big hot mess. Plus it’s hard to be a mess when you have to keep your shit together for your kid. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I guess.  

I started dating last December and I heard shit for that. People questioned how much your life meant to me because I asked for your mother’s blessing to start dating 3 months after you passed away. Not that anyone’s opinions really matters but I wonder how they would have felt if I hadn’t said anything and had her run in to me on a date. I wonder which would have hurt her more? I clearly thought it would be more painful to not know about and find out the hard way but then again I also thought we’d be married until we both died of old age or diabetes (Let’s face it; my love for sugar will catch up to me eventually). The funny thing was that I wasn’t even dating because I was ready to date at that point (petty sure no one will ever truly be ready for dating). It was more because I needed new people and places and things because all the old ones reminded me of you and I’d be ok for a little while with the old stuff but then it would start to get to me and I’d start wishing you’d taken me with you. So I had to go get new people, places and things to survive. So the sting of seeing all of our ‘stuff’ didn’t hurt so much…

I’ve gone out on dates with a few different guys. The ones were all losers who didn’t have their shit together any more than I did. After the second or third, I realized that I had to make myself change first if I was going to have any luck being happy and finding a truly decent man. I tried to stop focusing on finding a unicorn and started focusing on finding myself. It’s still a work in progress but I’m getting there. The last guy, Mr. Bumble, had many redeeming qualities even though we didn’t work out. All I all, I’m glad I met him. He reminded me of my goals and he was the best by far. So at least I’m coming up in the dating world.

I’ve finally reached the point where I actually have self esteem which is pretty awesome. I’m not sure where it was or why I hadn’t had it in so long but I found it. I just have to keep working on it so I don’t go nose over toes for the next guy that doesn’t try and sleep with me right away. 🤣

Upside of Low Self Esteem

I wish I could find you though too.

I wish I could find the you that you were when we first started dating. The you that would sit on the sofa at your apartment and watch Law and Order for hours. The you that would spend all night sitting on the sofa with me watching movies and eating chicken nuggets. The you that used to wait until the bathroom would get oppressively steamy during my hot showers and then come in, giggling the whole time, and dump a pitcher of ice water over the top of the shower curtain on me. 😐

I miss that you the most.

Sometimes I wonder if that you was a figment of my imagination because I hadn’t seen him for so long.

I guess I loved him enough to wait around and take care of the other you until he returned.

I would have stayed married until the day I died if it meant that I’d get to have one more day with that you.

I wish you were still here.

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Second Puberty — January 11, 2018

Second Puberty

I think I’m going through second puberty only because of my widow status I’ve become a 35 year old with the mental capacity of a three-nager, aka 3 year old asshole child…

Last month I had cramps so bad that I caked my OB/GYN to ask at what point I should go to the emergency room from the pain. Never in my 35 years have I had cramps. And I thought I was dying of a ruptured ovarian cyst or ectopic pregnancy or someone. If I stood up, my back and stomach cramped up and if I tried to breathe, I doubled over. Not cool. Not. Cool.

The past few months I’ve been straddling the wire of wanting to talk to people but silently gearing up to to their faces off of they make one wrong move. For example, asking someone to check out a house I’m looking at and when they respond with a comment that makes sense, like ‘it’s older than 1980, make sure you get it tested for lead paint’ my immediate gut response is ‘well no fucking shit. I guess I can’t buy this house because me and Charlie like to like the windows on the weekends.’

“To the windows, to the walls, till the lead paints gone from the halls, …”

It’s like I’m a teenager all over again:

  • Leave me alone
  • Feed me
  • My skin is breaking out
  • Don’t look at me
  • Why would you all me that question?
  • Stop talking to me like I’m stupid!
  • Have you seen my phone?  (Phone is in my hand) 
  • STOP LAUGHING AT ME!
  • Just. Leave. Me. Alone.
  • Sobbing in my bedroom because no one talks to me any more…

I don’t even know what I want anymore.

But I’m pretty sure a milkshake and a nap will make me feel better.

Is this a thing? 

Second Puberty induced by widowhood?

Widow Truth #1 —

Widow Truth #1

Worrying about what your parents are bickering* about still happens when you’re 34 (because you moved in with them after your husband died).


*Probably not bickering but I can’t tell because they aren’t talking kid enough for me to hear them over the TV.

Sweet Little Lies — January 10, 2018

Sweet Little Lies

I’m going to edit my list of 2018 Goals to include ‘BE HONEST WITH MYSELF’ because I’ve come to the conclusion that if I could lie to anyone and/or everyone else as well as I can lie to myself, I would make an excellent criminal.

Good Lord! Would I be rich!

In most cases, I don’t even lie to myself on purpose. It’s more like I weasel around all the negatives so that I only see the positives.

I hate to say that its part of my INFP/Pieces personality but it’s true. It bothers me to give that as a reason because I’m essentially making excuses for being this way and allowing me to let myself down. It’s my own fault for not being honest with myself. I can’t blame someone else for being who they are especially when most times the other person will tell me in advance by words or actions.

Why am I bringing this up?

Well mostly because I’m single again.

It’s my own fault for not being honest with myself and not listening to his words and actions and also trying to put a positive spin on everything. For example:

  • He was okay with not seeing me for almost 3 weeks: Totally cool that he needed personal space but I saw my friends more than I saw him and we were supposed to be in a relationship
  • I asked him on a Monday if he wanted to make plans for the upcoming weekend because I didn’t have my daughter and he said he didn’t like to plan his weekends that far in advance. Pretty much the only way parents get to do anything is by planning in advance (WAY in advance)
  • My existence: Once we reached a certain point of talking and I’d start to feel comfortable with where we were heading, he’d pull away and pretty much forget about me.
  • His excuse was that we are both introverts: That’s a bullshit excuse. I may be introverted but if I’m trying to talk to you about something that’s bothering me and you would rather go clean out your deep freezer than sit and talk with me, then that’s a problem (It’s also bullshit to sit there and blame it on ‘how you are’. You have conference calls with other members of the men’s group you’re in to discuss and workout how to ‘be better men? Maybe the topic of using ‘this is just how I am’ as an excuse for doing what you want with little regard to the others person’s feelings should come up at the next meeting.)
  • I asked if we were in a relationship and questioned his level of commitment because his Facebook status listed him as single: I realize this sounds immature but 95% of how people see us is based on who we are on social media and instead of telling me he wasn’t ready for that yet or switching it to ‘in a relationship’, he just set it up I couldn’t see his relationship status. REALLY?!
  • He said he wanted to settle down and have kids and pretty much wanted a stay at home, Leave It To Beaver-style wife: That’s totally cool. I would have no problem being a stay at home and being barefoot and pregnant. But how could any of this be possible when he doesn’t want to spend time with me? Why should I be playing the part of June Cleaver when he’s no where to be seen? I don’t fucking think so… I reached the point where I was questioning if that was really what he wanted or if that was just what he THOUGHT he should want, or even if that’s what he said he wanted because he thought that finding a woman to agree to those terms would never happen. But hell to the fucking no way am I playing June Cleaver when the person who is supposed to be playing Ward Cleaver is off doing hia thing and not acknowledging my existence. 

Granted, he told me all this would happen:

  • He told me he had been told he was emotionally distant
  • didn’t like to talk about feelings
  • needed a lot of personal space
  • Tended to be flighty

And there I was all fucking starry-eyed saying ‘as long as we keep an open line of communication, we can make it work.’

I had lied to myself and convinced myself of his awesomeness so well that I even told my husband’s family about him.

It kills me to think that I even mentioned him to my freaking mother-in-law. That I probably broke her heart and it ended up being a moot point.

What kind of a fucking idiot am I?

And of top of that, you know what he didn’t tell me?

Well, he didn’t tell me that he wouldn’t talk to me at all about anything regarding our ‘relationship’ and he sure as shit didn’t tell me that he has a FRIEND that’s a woman that stays over his house sometimes because he lives closer to to her work than she does.

Seriously?!

I felt the need to tell him about a 69 year old man from Ottawa that hit on me via facebook through a widow support group and here he is never once mentioning the female friend that occasional stays at his house.

So, I’m single again.

I’m not upset or sad or bummed.

I’m actually pretty proud of myself for actually talking a step back and realizing that I was getting myself into another unacceptable relationship and calling it off.

But I’m also done with this pointless dating crap.

I have very little hope for the male part of our species.

Side Note:

Question: Know what happens on a Monday after you’ve left your laptop in your car over a weekend where the temperature ‘reached’ 8°F?

Answer: Not much because the first 3 times you turned it on and got to the point of entering your Windows password, it was so cold that it thought it was overheating and thus shut itself down to prevent frying itself (keeping in mind that its only 67°F info the office).

References:

  1. How do i know when I am lying to myself?Detecting self-deception in Romantic Relationships. Neel Burton M.D. Hide and Seek. May 20, 2014.
Personal Bubble — January 5, 2018

Personal Bubble

What is personal space? (as defined by Google)

I am one of those people whose needs personal space like I need oxygen, chocolate and friends willing to help me hide dead bodies. (Don’t judge me. They were already dead when I found them.)

I am the kind of person that has a few good friends and even less aquaintances. I like to keep my circle small. There’s less drama that way and I have more than enough drama of my own. I’m not in to crowded places regardless of if it’s friends, family or complete strangers. The amount of time that it takes for me to go from ‘Oh Hey, Nice to see you’ to ‘Bump in to me again and I’ll punch you in the face’ is very limited and factor dependent.

These factors may include but are not limited to: time of day, sleep quality from the night before, caffeine levels, if anyone looked at me sideways on my way to the crowded event, the amount of time I’ve had to think about how crowded the area will be when I arrive, how loud it will be, how bright the lighting will be, how long it’s been since I last ate, is anyone going to be there that I DON’T like, is it the week before/of/or after my period (either of these 3 usually means someone might die) and etc.

So you could say that I NEED to have personal space. I like to have a moderate amount of attention without being suffocated and having the maximum possible amount of alone time.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a new friend or a boyfriend. If you crawl up my ass and start setting up camp for the long term, I’ll let you do it and offer to help you unpack. But eventually I’m going to need me time to do whatever I want/need to do to recharge myself.

When I need this space, please give it to me. Otherwise it will piss me off to the point where I stop acknowledging your existence. This level of, shall we call it ‘social dormancy’, is not because I do not like the other person. It’s more like I just need a break to recharge my batteries, take a couple cat naps, do laundry so I have clean underwear and take time to breathe and be all crafty and shit.

If I’ve reached the social dormancy part of our relationship, don’t worry. Much like me being on a no carb diet, it won’t last.

I’ve always been like this.

I’ll always be like this.

It’s part of my INFP personality.

In my opinion, my need for personal space makes it hard for me to have relationships, friendships or otherwise, with others. Not because I don’t want to see them. Not because I don’t want to spend time with them. Not because I don’t like them. Not because they are boring.

The people that I currently consider my best friends understand this and accept it and I, as their best friend, understand that not everyone is like me so sometimes they are going to need to ask me things like ‘Hey. Is everything ok? Haven’t heard from you in a while.’

That’s how our friendship dynamic works and I love it.

But here is where things get sticky: I have similar needs in romantic relationships.

But I need attention too.

So I’ll go from LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVVVVVVEEEEEEE MEEEEE to TOUCH ME AGAIN AND YOU DIE pretty quick at times (see aforementioned factors for survival tips). I don’t do it in purpose. It just sneaks up on me and all the sudden I’ll feel caged and claustrophobic.

In all my years that I’ve been in romantic relationships, I’ve never been with anyone who actually understood this part about me. The end result was that I would end up pushing aside my need for space and giving in to everything they needed when they needed it and I would get my personal space when they decided that they needed their own alone time. 

So here I am at the age of almost 35, doing what I thought I needed to do in order to have an adult relationship with a man and in steps Mr. Bumble and blows my misconceptions out of the water.

You see, he and I have the same personal space needs.

He likes to go for 15 mile hikes by himself.

I like to get crafty for hours on end with scrapbooks.

He likes to go to all day reenactments when warmer weather hits by himself.

I like to do yard work from sun up to sun down by myself once spring hits.

AND I am relatively certain he isn’t the cheating type!

It’s. Like. OH. MY. GOD.

THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE LIKE ME?!

HOLY SHIT!

And because this has never happened to me before (where someone was interested in me but able to not crawl up my ass) it gets very confusing for me.

I appreciate that he needs personal space and that by taking it, gives me personal space as well but after a certain period of time I start to miss him. Then I start to worry that he doesn’t miss me. Then I remember what it was like for me when I dated guys who wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone and I get anxiety from the memories.

So I think for now, I’m going to going my blessings and continue to pray that he’s as awesome as I believe he is because this could be really amazing if I’ve actually managed to find someone who needs what I need and gets me.

*Note: I don’t judge. I’m just saying who wants to be friends with someone who boring and they don’t like?

3 Loves in Our Lifetime… —

3 Loves in Our Lifetime…

I wanted to share this story that I read on here because I’ve read it a few times and I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it.

Everything the author says makes sense in ways that I didn’t know exited.

So I’m going to share it here in hopes that maybe it helps someone else somehow (plus it will be easier to find next time I go looking for it, lol).

We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason
by Rose Kate, The Elephant Journal. 11-22-16.

“It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.
This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.

It’s a love that looks right.

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. It’s the love that we wished was right.

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.

Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.

And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.
Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.

But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.

The one we never see coming.

The one that actually lasts.

The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.”

411 on the 413 — January 3, 2018

411 on the 413

In a continued effort to expand my mind and learn new things I am constantly looking up topics to help me figure out things that I struggle to comprehend. I like to think that if I view my issues in many different lights then I’ll be able to make sense of them more quickly.

This is one of those times…

The following are my thoughts on an article I read titled 30 Things You MUST Know About Love By The Time You’re 30 – Christy Krumm (please read her official post by following the link provided).


1. Make a list of things you want in a partner,but don’t let it rule you:
 As with most things, it’s good to have goals when dating. Just don’t be one of those over – achieving douche bags that views an 80/100 as a failure. Those are the people that end up with stomach ulcers by the age of 35. Calm your tits and throw some of the extra ice in to your ‘goals’ area. Anything that’s perfect isn’t actually perfect. It’s really just fake as fuck with a really good facade. I.E. astroturf vs real grass.

For shits and giggles – My list of things I want in a romantic partner: Cuddles, food, nookie, conversations, coffee, family time and late night movie marathons.

2. Love doesn’t require perfection. See above. Note: I don’t need a man to give me everything, I just need a man that wants me to be his everything. (Yes. I am aware of how stupid this sounds but have you even seen someone fall in love? Do they act smart? No? Then there ya go.)


3. Be realistic.
I personally feel like I am being realistic but please tell me if I’m wrong. 


4. Learn to let go.
Let go of what exactly? I’m already of the mindset that I’m going to be me and you can be you and if it doesn’t work out then that’s ok. It will probably suck ass BUT it’ll be okay.


5. Men aren’t that different from women.
 Agreed. We all just want someone to partake in our weirdness and ‘get’ us.


6. Even the toughest of men have a soft spot somewhere on the inside.
I’m going to narrow this down to ‘just because one person is an insufferable jackass, that doesn’t mean the rest of humanity is (regardless of their gender)’.

7. Love requires courage. Nothing is more scary than putting your faith in another human being. Especially knowing that humans are faulted and make mistakes.


8. Love is worth the pain.
Yes. It is. BUT only if your not going to do it half-assed (see below).


9. Don’t hold back.
If you haven’t reached a point in your life where you know how to throw caution to the wind while maintaining the ability to think logically about what you’re doing, then don’t do it at all.


10. You have to love yourself before you’ll have the capacity to love others. 
Agreed 100%! How am I supposed to believe someone else who is telling me the sky is blue when I myself do not know what the color blue looks like?


11. Love deeply.
As previously stated, don’t half-ass it. Either go all in or fold your hand and move on to the next table. We’re human, not immortal, and some of us have shit to do.


12. Adjust your focus slightly.
Find a way to see the positive side in everything no matter what the situation is because you reap what you sow and nobody wants to eat bitter berries with a bitter Betty. #Word


13. Love is an investment, so choose wisely.
When I allow myself to love someone, I do it 100%. I don’t do grey areas. Either I love you or I don’t. So if I’m giving you 100% of my trust, honesty and whatever the hell else I have and you’re giving me less than 100% of what you have to work with at that particular time then we won’t even have words because I’m already done. 


14. You shouldn’t always follow your heart.
Yeah. I’ll follow my heart until Jimeny Cricket pipes up in the back row and then I listen to him because my heart would let people get away with some fucked up shit.


15. Uncertainty happens.
If I was meant to know everything then I would. But I don’t. And furthermore, I don’t want to. There’s some fucked up shit going on in this world. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be. So stop letting uncertainty give you anxiety and live your life! 


16. Letting go is hard to do.
 Meh. That depends on why I’m letting go. I can’t only do so much and I’m not going to try and scream at a deaf person’s back to get him to turn around.

17. Love isn’t perfect; sometimes, it’s destructive.
And when it becomes destructive, it’s MORE THAN OKAY TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE.


18. You can’t change him.
 Actually, you can’t change anyone. So don’t forget to check your friendships for people that aren’t living up to what you need. It’s unfair to expect anyone to be someone they aren’t so either accept them for who they are or move on.


19. Loneliness is a part of life.
Get a bunch of hobbies (highly recommend blogging). You never know who you truly are until you aren’t afraid to be by yourself.

Case in point: Tom Hanks and Wilson.


20. Go slow and put others first.
Unless you have always put everyone else first. Then follow this simple order: if single – you, kids, family/friends, if in a relationship – you, significant other, kids, family/friends

Ain’t no one gonna take care of you except you and it’s hard as fuck to get shit done when your exhausted, hungry, overweight, miserable and in need of a vacation.

Additionally, yes, to a certain extent your S.O. is more important than your kids. Why? Because divorce will screw with their heads more than you having a weekly date night, not letting them interrupt your ‘adult time’ and et cetera.


21. Don’t be an emotional prude.
See #7 – 20.

How about you just don’t be any kind of hyper-focused prude? Because at some point whatever is lacking is going to spread to the rest of the relationship and even the sex will start to suck (no pun intended).


22. Love is forgiveness.
If something happened and you’re acting like your over it but you’re still holding on to the evidence then your not over it and your poisoning your future both with and without the other person.

Let. It. Go.

23. Its okay to be single. Even though it sucks to not have a significant other to share things. Know what sucks more? Ending up an emotionally devoid relationship when both the sex and the conversation stuck.

Figure yourself out. Figure out what makes you happy.

THEN open yourself up to the possibility that there might be someone out there that will enhance your life and love you the way you deserve to be loved by another person.


24. Love is worth it.
But only if the other person treats you right. No settling on this one! I mean it!


25. Give love instead of seeking it out.
It makes me feel better to help and be there for others. It kind of acts like a little confidence boost. Just be careful because some people will suck you dry and then be assholes when you have nothing left. (Kick those fuckers to the curb!)

26. God is love; the biggest, best and most overwhelming kind. Strive to be more forgiving (without letting others use you as a doormat) and you’ll be happier. Not just because of all that religious crap that people ist about how much God is love and blah, blah, blah. But actually because of you walk around with negative thoughts and hate in your heart it will show in your attitude and you’ll start acting like an asshole all the time.


27. Love is everything.
All you need is love ❤ but make sure it’s the real deal and not that facetious crap. 


28. Our sense of love is heightened in moments of sorrow.
Start remembering that nothing is finite and everything will be missed sooner or later.


29. In the final moments of your life, you should think of love.
I realize this is the idealist in my INFP personality showing but we all need to do this a little more often. I’m not saying we all need to gather around the campfire and sing Kumbaya. I’m just saying that if someone is acting like an asshole, maybe ask them if they’re ok instead of running them off the road and chasing them with a tire iron.

30. Love is real.
Things that are real are imperfectly perfect. Accept it. Love the imperfections. Be happy.

I think thats about all I’ve got on this topic.

Hopefully you will share this so I can get my little serotonin high from getting comments, likes and shares 😉😙

#Widow #Grief #413

How? — January 2, 2018

How?

How do you know if you are right or wrong when it comes to others?

How can someone feel like home one minute and leave you guessing in the next?

How can someone be so perfect but you get the feeling that they themselves do not see it that way?

How do you know someone is in your life because they love you versus they don’t think they’ll find better?

How do you know someone wants you in their life because you make them a better person because they are comfortable and don’t want to risk change?

How do you know that you aren’t wrong again?

How do you know that you aren’t making the same bad decisions yet again?

How do people know the difference between friend and foe?

What does it mean when everything in your soul is screaming that this is right and the other person can come up with numerous reasons why it won’t work?

How do you keep their hesitation from making you second guess yourself?

When does it become stupidity to trust yourself knowing you’ve been wrong before?

How do you lay in bed, thinking all these thoughts and not be mad at your dead husband?

You might be screaming at each other and going through all the joys of a divorce but that is TOTALLY besides the point!

Why do you then feel bad for being mad at your dead husband for his suicide? He was very sick.

Why can’t life come with an instruction manual?

#Widow #Grief #StupidMortalEmotions #GodPleaseDontLetMeBe40With10CatsNoLifeandLivingWithMyParents #FacePalm

2018 Goals —

2018 Goals

I would have called it 2018 New Year Resolutions but then I might not do any of them (given my previous experience with New years resolutions).

Back on topic…

So I feel like I killed my 2017 Goals. If I could remember all of them, I’d post them but seeing as I can’t I’ll just tell you what I know I accomplished in 2017.

  1. Love myself – It’s crazy how different you look in the mirror when you realize no one else’s opinions of you actually matter
  2. Laugh more with Charlie – every day, multiple times a day. I’m so lucky to have been blessed with my beautiful little butterfly
  3. Take better care of myself – actually remembering to do things for myself and not spend all my free time doing things for others is actually an extremely hard task. Especially when no one is used to hearing me say no. But I’m getting better at it 🙂
  4. Spend more time with my family and friends – I think I’ve been doing pretty good with this one. I try and get to see everyone at least once a month. If I havent gotten to see you, please let me know.
  5. Go on vacation – we did our cruise and went camping. It was glorious!
  6. Trust myself – if my gut says no, you gotta go… Note that this applies to everything but especially to people.
  7. #GetIt – this one I did pretty good on until August and then I spiraled out of control BUT it’s coming back! Just have to set realistic goals for myself
  8. Live in the moment (stop letting past events give me anxiety) – still a work in progress but will keep working on this one to be sure!

So that’s what I can remember from my 2017 Goals. I’ve been thinking about my 2018 Goals and they’re being a bit elusive but here is what I have so far (I’m hoping to have them pinned down by the end of January this year).

  1. Wear a black veil with a pink sundress to run errands at least once a week. Everyone thinks you’re crazy anyways, you might as well give them reason from #MouthyMichellsMusings
  2. Be more budget savvy and ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT
  3. Pay off 75% of my credit card debt
  4. Buy a house (3 bedroom with a decent, fenced-in yard, public school rating of no less than 7 (just in case), in a low-crime area and no more than 30 minutes from my job and within my price range)
  5. Work on Charlie’s school work for 20 minutes a day
  6. Exercise for 60 minutes a day
  7. Go for 1 walk per day
  8. Eat 4 to 5 HEALTHY meals per day
  9. Have at least 1 fun outing with Charlie every weekend
  10. Take better care of the dogs (bath once a month, nails biweekly and at least TRY to brush their teeth once a week)
  11. Read 4 New books (not romance novels) (all suggestions welcome)
  12. Figure out how to not feel wierd having personal space and remember to actually talk about things instead of letting the awkwardness freak me out so I end up pretending I don’t need to talk about anything because everything is just peachy

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Now I just have to get them on my vision board (which is the hard part because that shit is time consuming).

#Grief #Widow #MichelleMillerIsAGoddess #Slaying2018 #VisionBoard

Edit:

13. Stop lying to myself: If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and sounds like a duck then it’s a freaking duck!

*Replace DUCK with dick and this edit makes much more sense! 

2017 — December 29, 2017

2017

It’s December 28, 2017 and I am going in to the beginning of my second year as a widow.
Things still feel strange at times but I feel like I am able to keep a better grasp on what I need versus what I want in life. The act of being able to differentiate between the two has always given me issues. It has been a slow process but it has become easier for me to realize when a person is good for me. It has also become easier for me to accept that some people will never be good for me no matter how much I want them to be and that it is okay that they aren’t. I feel more at peace with being able to accept what isn’t meant to be and walk away from people and thoughts that aren’t positive influences info my life.

I used to apologize for everything I said and did and even for things other people did until one day I woke up and realized that it was complete bullshit.

Why should I have to apologize for being myself?  For having different views? For forgetting to do something? For something someone else did?

Why should I nail myself to a cross for something that I didn’t even want in the first place? Especially when no one even cares?

Why do I make myself apologize and feel bad  for being human? 

I don’t know when I started thinking about it so much but my Aunt Dolly had actually laid in to me the last summer for apologizing for everything. She hard asked me why I said I was sorry so much when I was doing the best I could with what I was given.

I guess at some point after she died I realized how rought she had been and 2017 became the year I stopped saying sorry as a knee-jerk reaction.

2017 became the year I stopped trying to be everything that everyone else needed and allowed myself to be who I needed.

2017 has been a rough year. Most things people know about and some things people don’t but I’m kind of excited for 2018.

If 2017 was the year I grew a spine and started caring about myself mentally and physically them I’m pretty sure the rest of my years are going to be FREAKING fabulous and adventure filled!