I feel like I have something inside of me that I need to get it out, I can’t put it into words because I can’t concentrate on one thing looking enough to get that done. It is the most frustrating thing!
For example, I was on the phone with my new new therapist, and I was telling her about how I feel like my inability to follow directions and focus is going to cost me my job. But I don’t know if that’s actually true or if I’m just blowing it out of proportion. Because I can’t tell. I don’t know how to explain why I can’t tell, but I can tell (the difference if I’m overreacting or undereacting). Because I can’t tell, I end up constantly worring about it.
I feel like I feel like I never finish what I start in a reasonable amount of time because either I take side detours and/or I end up screwing up (during one of my detours). It’s also not just with work. It’s with everything.
I don’t know why but the thought just occurred to me that maybe if I would have been able to pay more attention (to Mike), I would have noticed something and been able to do something. I don’t know. I mean ultimately if he was going to do it, he was going to do it and it wouldn’t have mattered what I wanted.
I reached the point where I’m just so pissed off because I’ve now reached a point where I feel like I suck at life. And I would love to have someone here to tell me ‘I’ve been there too. I’ve been in worse problems. I’ve had a worse and it’s been fine. You’ll be fine just keep on pushing.’ But I don’t have him here because he left.
Whenever I start to get mad because I catch myself saying ‘It’d be great if he was here’, I start to feel bitter about it. But I remember that he was sick. So, regardless of everything else that happened, he was still very sick. And I can’t let myself get caught up in useless hope. Me thinking that maybe it (myasthenia gravis) could have been cured (Maybe it was an issue with this medication. Maybe it was a drug interaction because of the other stuff that he was doing on this side. Maybe it was a drug interaction from the pharmacy prescribed medications). But I can’t.
I can’t give myself false hope over thinking that it couldn’t have been something that could have been fixed. That the disease was something that could have been fixed. Because I’ll never know. I can’t do that to myself. To me that’s like playing the lottery, every single day, knowing that there’s only a 1 in 44 billion chance of winning. But there isn’t even a chance of winning with a thought like that. It’s just useless hope because it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, he’s so gone, and I can’t bring him back. And I really, I just hate that.
I feel like I never never finish any thought because I’m so all over the place. Like I can’t finish talking about one thing before I move on to the next thing.
That’s why I don’t talk to a lot of people. I talk to very few people. I have two girlfriends that I talk to and I keep in contact with daily and a few of my family members, aside from the ones that I live with. But I don’t talk to other people because I feel like they wouldn’t want to talk to me. Why would they want to talk to me? I don’t have super awesome things to talk about because I don’t have a life. My life consists of work, commuting, taking care of Charlie, gardening, and cleaning. And that’s it. So, I don’t know. I don’t know what else I have to talk about. Nobody wants to sit there and talk about fucking plants all day. I might be really god-damn excited that I got a new scarifier/aerator for my yard, but nobody else gives a fuck. Even the old people don’t care. And I get that, and that’s why I don’t talk to a lot of people. I don’t have anything to talk about. I don’t want to talk about work because if I talk about where I’m afraid they’ll see how stupid I am because I can’t remember shit. And I don’t know stuff. I don’t know stuff that I feel like I should know that I’ve been told I should know, which is really frustrating because how the hell am I going to know if I’ve never been told, but that’s besides the point. Why would I talk to people about work so I don’t have anybody to talk to about anything except for those few people and that’s fine with me. I’m happy like that. I mean I’m happier like that than I am when I try and talk to everybody else because when I try and talk to other people, all I get is a whole bunch of bullshit because I feel like people talk poorly about me. So, I have to choose between two evils. Why can’t I just live my life and be who I am and be how I am. Obviously not going stagnant with personal growth and continue to try and grow, continue to try and get better and all those different things I want to get better at, but why do people have to be so negative all the time? I just don’t understand it. I just want to be able to feel like I’m good at something. Not necessarily proficient because I feel like I’m not even an experts at gardening and yard work and I’m proficient at that like I know what I’m doing. But I would consider myself an expert.
I was told to find my own niche and figure out how to turn in it to an asset. What am I really good at? I’m really good at taking those mindless tasks that nobody wants to do because it’s boring and nobody wants to do it (i.e. hundreds upon hundreds of rows of stuff that needs to get looked up). I’m really good at looking that up and getting it done in maybe two or three days, whereas other people might take two weeks or more. Or they might put it on the back burner and forget about it. But that’s not a marketable attribute. How do I make myself marketable? How do I make a company want to keep me? How do I make my coworkers not think that I’m just another useless employee? Well, the only way that I can do that is if I can work efficiently get my shit done, and be more reliable but I don’t know how to do that because I feel like I’m giving 150% of everything that I have in my brain and my body, all the time and I’m still coming up short. And people when I say that will say, ‘Oh, well, you know, don’t worry about it. Everybody feels that way’. I understand that, however, have these other people gotten what I have? Have they someone let them go and tell them the other candidate was chosen because they didn’t because that person that they were talking to didn’t belong? I feel like that’s not a fair. And I get that he was probably full of shit, and I realized that he got rid of me so that he could hire his wife because he did three days after he got rid of me. Plus I was making 2x what the other tech was making but, again, I digress.
I can’t concentrate. I can’t finish a thought. I’ll fuck something up, as I’m doing it, while I’m telling myself not to do it. And I know that my co workers get frustrated. My mom or my uncle or Charlie will ask me to do something, and I’ll start to do it and I’ll get sidetracked and it won’t get done. And it’ll happen more than once. I don’t understand why there are people in this world that don’t have this problem, but there’s people like me that have it, and can get rid of it, or can’t get rid of it without taking a medication. And I only found this out a couple years ago. It’s not even, like, maybe two years ago. Ever since I was a kid, I can remember thinking to myself that if I die, like my parents would be sad but they would be okay because they have six other kids you know whatever. I never knew that nobody else thought that way. I never knew that there were other people on earth. That didn’t think like that, having said that to themselves more having thought to themselves about how much easier it would be if they got dead if they were dead. Like that blows my mind. I want a good day. think about that at least once a day. I don’t I don’t I can’t even fathom and understandably they can’t fathom how I can think that and they look at me like, I need to be committed, maybe I do. That’s Besides, I had a three to five year plan where I was going to take care of myself. I was gonna do everything that I had to do to take care of myself and keep everything else going. And I was gonna do my best to be off of my medication. So that I didn’t need to depend on something else to make me happy. And I feel like that’s never gonna happen now because I feel like the only way to get rid of what I have right now is to go on medication, a different medication, but I can’t go on that medication if I take the one medication that I take. So that means I have to pull myself down off of the one medication slowly with the help of a psychiatrist which by the way costs extra money because you still have to go see them. And I don’t know how that’s gonna affect me. I don’t know how that’s gonna make me feel. I don’t know if that’s gonna make me like manic or if it’s gonna make me bitchy or if it’s gonna make me an asshole or if it’s gonna make me cry all the time or if it’s gonna make me sleep all the time, I don’t know, and I can’t sit there and try and tell my boss about any of this, because he doesn’t have it, so he doesn’t fucking get it. That’s why depression is so frustrating. That’s why people kill themselves. Because the people that do get it don’t know how to fix it and thr people that don’t have it are inescapable of understanding. So, you have people that feel frustrated and hopeless and pissed off, and they have nothing. They feel like they suck at life and have nowhere to go, because they just keep coming back to the same problems over and over again and they don’t know how to make them stop, even though they’ve gone to therapy. And then you have people that are that are just negative people that just constantly bring them down. I wish that everyone on earth had to go through this for at least like I feel like maybe a month. I want to say a year but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t be able to do it for a year, they wouldn’t make it they would kill themselves. I feel like it should be like a rite of passage, just so that you can have empathy towards other people. And so that you’re not a dick. I feel like everybody, between the ages of 18 and 21, for a month should have to to take a pill that will make them feel mentally unstable for a whole month. Not crazy like ‘we’re gonna put you in a straight jacket in a padded room crazy’ but like mentally unstable where like they feel like they don’t belong, or they have problems getting out of bed like a whole month. They should do it for a whole month. And then after that, if at any point in time in their lives they use that by saying ‘well I got over it and so can you’ they should have to take that medication for at least a year just so that they can feel what it’s like to be given no choice. Because I don’t have a choice. I wake up, I think about every day. I think about it every day how lucky I am that I’ve been happy for so long that I haven’t gotten myself into another depression. That I’ve been able to pull myself out of them. Think about it every day how lucky I am. And I’m scared that the day might come when I won’t be able to pull myself back out of it again and I’ll get stuck again. And then it’ll just be a slippery slope of events.
I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m going to therapy. I try and take care of myself better than I was. I try and get enough sleep. I try not to do stuff that’s going to that’s going to cause me to be stressed out or triggered. I try to get personal space when i can i mean it’s difficult to do when the whole world is under quarantine and you live with three other people, but I try and do it. I take my medicine every day. Religiously. I don’t drink. Although, Lord knows Sometimes I wish I was still drinking heavily because at least then I would forget about whatever it was, was going on in my brain for a short period of time. I don’t do drugs, non prescription ones, I don’t know, and I go to therapy. At a minimum, well, I was going to therapy every other week, but I had to switch therapists, because the new psychiatrist office that I found that I could get into, which, if you don’t know what it’s like to get into it, try and get into a new psychiatrist’s office. I highly suggest you try it and see how long it takes because usually there’s a six month waiting list. The new psychiatrist that I needed to get in to see requires me to see a therapist in his office, once a week, which I get, because they are giving me antidepressants, however, um, I really liked the therapist that I had by okay whatever I guess I won’t be seeing her anymore I will see this other person and that’s fine. I just don’t get it.
I don’t even know what I was going after with that.
Oh, I remember…
I don’t understand why I feel like I’m doing everything that I could possibly do to be well, emotionally, in my head. And I feel like it’s, it’s working a little bit like you know I mean I do take some solace in the fact that, you know I haven’t thought about killing myself in over a year. I do take solace in that. I mean that’s a pretty big thing. When you have clinical depression. But I don’t know what else to do for everything else. I’m working on the clinical depression and that’s that’s awesome that’s fabulous. It really helps you to keep a job when you get there on time. But you know what else makes it easier to keep a job is when you can fucking focus and get shit done without sucking it up 150 times. Doing It Wrong every single time until you finally, by the grace of God and baby Jesus and the skin of your teeth, get it right.
I don’t know what else to do and it pisses me off. Because I know that it frustrates my co workers. I know that they think that I’m less of a person, or that I’m irresponsible or that I’m stupid or that I don’t care, or that whatever other negative things you could possibly say about someone who constantly screws up and you think they do it on purpose because they don’t give a shit. I get what they’re saying. I totally do. But I don’t know what else to do about it. I don’t, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to fix this part. I didn’t want to have to take another medication, but I feel like if I don’t, then I’m not doing everything I need to do to make sure that I keep my job. And I’ve even thought to myself that well you know what? If you get laid off again then that’s what’s supposed to happen and that’s God’s will and that’s what the universe wanted and, you know, good things will come from it eventually and so on and so forth and that’s all fine to sit there and try and not freak out about how I’m going to pay my bills. But how am I going to afford insurance? I have a six year old and I see a therapist every week, and a psychiatrist once a month. How the hell would I afford to pay that? There’s no way that I’ve been able to think of that I can work my way around that. Because I think about it a lot, especially with this virus, with the COVID-19 virus that’s going around because right now the company is letting us work from home, and eventually they’re going to run out of stuff for us to do. And at that point, we’re gonna have to come in. And that’s perfectly fine but then what do I do about my six year old that’s at home, my mom does not want to watch my six year old. She may act. Occasionally, like she doesn’t understand why I think she might, but I know she minds, because I listened to him a bitch about it for, I don’t know, 32 years or no not 32 years for 28 years while she watched my sisters and my brothers. Okay, so I know she doesn’t want to watch them. I know she doesn’t want to watch her. And I guess she’s had seven kids. My mom has done nothing but take care of other people since she was a kid. She took care of her grandmother, she took care of her mom then she took care of her dad. Or she took care of her dad that she took care of her mom that she took care of her uncle that she had seven kids then she took care of my dad. She’s tired. I can’t fault her for that. I can’t fault her for not wanting to watch my child. But what do I do when that happens, what do I do in that situation when I have to go back to work and then I have to choose Do I go back to work and risk my daughter, getting this virus that’s going around, or do I stay home, or do I get another job at another place that will let me work night shift that way, at least I will be home during the day for her Am I she won’t have to talk to my mother. But at that point when do I sleep. When would I sleep. My daughter was super excited to go to the Y today, or not today. I have a girlfriend who has been sending her daughter to the Y like once a week, just so that she can get her out of the house so that she can see other kids so that they stop irritating each other. And I thought that was a great idea. And I had considered doing it with Charlie because the wine near my job is also doing the same thing. But then, then I heard on the news that there’s a new virus or it’s the COVID-19 virus and that’s. It’s how it’s affecting certain people, mostly children under 18 and under 50 will not necessarily just like little, little kids but like 18 and under so far, where if they causes Kawasaki syndrome, which means that they get a horrible rash. They get, like, I don’t want to say abrasions because it’s not the right word but like their skin like every surface of their body like their eyes, their mouth, their nose, their outside skin like the part that you can see other arms, legs fingers and to the rest of the body blah blah. Guess it’s a horrible crash. And they’re dying from it. And those kids never tested positive, they never had symptoms of having COVID-19, they never had the fever they never had a cough they never had anything. Separate maybe one day they woke up with cramps, or maybe one day they had a stomachache. Or maybe one day they had a late heading. And then a month later they’re in the hospital with this cow izaki syndrome, and they’re dying. So how do I do that how do I. How do I say, How do I risk my daughter’s life. Knowing that she’s the only reason why I have made it, as far as I have. How do I risk her life. So that I can help be a part of the workforce. How do I do that how do I justify that how do I say that I can do that, especially when I don’t have to because I don’t have very many bills, all my bills including how much I pay my mother for food every month. I can afford to pay that off of what I get from my social security for Charlotte. So, how do I. How do I justify me putting her life in danger. Even if it’s just once a week, like I’ve tried to think about this every which way like well maybe if I only took her like twice a week. That way, you know, my mom would only have her if I went back to work during the day my mom would only have her three days a week. Or maybe I maybe my mom could take her two days a week and I can take a day off, but then it’s like okay, but then I’m just gonna I’m still exposing her. And my mom had said well what if, you know, places like that are going to be pretty well taken care of, you know, the staff will have baskets and yeah you know what they will my girlfriend did tell me that you know the staff has masks and everybody uses hand sanitizer and everybody wears a mask and everybody washes their hands. And you know, there isn’t a lot of people there and so on and so forth. Yeah, I get that. However, these are kids. How the hell am I supposed to expect my daughter to be around other children, and have both of them, and her. Remember that they have to stay six feet away from everybody. They have to keep their bands on at all times how are they going to eat. They’re not allowed to share food. What happens if one of them coughs or sneezes and spreads the virus that way. Like, how, how do I do this. And I know that the majority of society is thinking the same way. And I know that there obviously are people that have done that, because they have no other choice, but I feel like I do have a choice. I don’t have to stick. But I want to. I don’t want i mean i want I’m, I’m, I literally have to stay because I want insurance. But I don’t just want insurance I want to go in to work I want to feel like a part of society I want to do something. I can be happy at home. I can be happy, going to the park every day with Charlie, I can be happy homeschooling her, I will lose my mind while I do it but I will be happy. but it pisses me off that I have to choose. Actually, it doesn’t piss me off that I have to choose it pisses me off that people will judge me regardless of what I do. Which brings us full circle as to why people have to be so negative. I was asked if I could go into work today. For one until eight or nine. Not a problem. One o’clock is perfect. It gives me all morning to get done Charlie’s her work, and I still have time to make her lunch before I leave so all my mom has to do is worry about making her dinner. Perfect. Perfect. at seven o’clock. I realized what time it was because I was doing stuff for. I was looking stuff up and I’m, you know, getting stuff together and that kind of thing and I realized what time it was, keep in mind I got there once at seven o’clock, I realized that I hadn’t checked in on anybody to see if they get any help, and they hadn’t come to me so I was like well let me go ask because I want to make sure that they dinner. So I go upstairs and they’re gone. They want to come in to be back up for them and they didn’t even let me know that they were leaving. They left at six. I could have left at six. But I didn’t because no one told me, like, I don’t know. I mean, I can’t tell like am I overthinking it and they just forget to tell me I mean, they are I mean obviously they’ve been working like seven days a week they’re definitely exhausted. Maybe they just forgot to tell me But then on the other hand, maybe they’re pissed off because I haven’t been coming in as much as I need. So, two girls don’t have kids but the one girl dies and I would imagine it’s just as hard for her. I don’t know. I really need to stop giving a shit about what other people think of me but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet either. I don’t know, I guess it’ll all wash out the laundry in the end.