The Worthy Widow

Stories of me wading through the shit show that is my life while trying to grieve, work a full-time job and raise a very energetic toddler.

Sick Baby Blues — June 17, 2018

Sick Baby Blues

I haven’t posted anything in a little while mostly because once warmer where hits I can get caught up in yard work to work through things.

But yet here I lay typing out a post.

We’re down the shore, three days in to our five day getaway and the shit hit the fan.

Actually, it was more like vomit.

My daughter woke up wanting to stay in the room, watch TV and relax.

She snubbed her nose at pizza twice saying it didn’t taste right.

I should have seen it coming.

But I didn’t.

So I was more than a little surprised when she woke up coughing and throwing up PBJ scented mucus. I am never eating or buying PB or J again. I think I may have PTSD.

Earlier this day when my daughter had been whiny I’d thought about warning my sister away from coming down.

Thank god I hadn’t because then I wouldn’t have been able to do the 10:30 PM frantic run to Acme to buy Motrin, Tylenol and Pedialyte. The true testament to how crappy my daughter is feeling is that she chugged the Pedialyte like it was My Little Pony/Chocolate flavored goodness. Any other day she would have made gagging sounds and all but told me where to go.

It’s something people that have children where both parents are alive don’t think about. They do they think oh well it’ll be fine because they’ll have my wife/husband. They use that as an excuse to do stupid things like drive drunk/tipsy or text while driving or skydive.

But they’re stupid because they don’t realize that if they’re gone, the other person has no one to lean on.

Even if the other person doesn’t do shit.

The remaining spouse loses the potential of having a backup if things go south and s/he needs reinforcement.

So thank God my sister came down.

Thank. God.

Advertisements
Angry moments… Lots of them — June 16, 2018

Angry moments… Lots of them

Maybe it’s because I’ve always been left to my own devices but it really irks me when people constantly check in on me, question me and/or tell me what to do.

I’m not sure if this is a widow stage thing or if it’s always pissed me off but good lord bothers me.

For real though, no one paid attention to me until my husband died and then people realized I existed.

I realize people are trying to be helpful but it can be as irritating as having a second 4-year-old asking me ‘why’ all the time.

Why don’t you get a job closer to home?

Why do you still talk to this person?

Why don’t you talk to that person?

Why didn’t you invite this person?

Why did you buy this?

Why didn’t you buy that?

Why did you do it that way? You could have come out this way because this is how I would have done it (this explanation takes 20+ minutes (I zone or after the first 5 nanoseconds)).

What irritates me more is that I just want to be left alone.

Actually, I don’t want to be left alone. I want people to respect my answers.

If I say no, don’t ask me 3 more times and don’t ask me why.

I probably don’t have any other reason other than that I just don’t want to do it.

You asking me multiple times is only go g to lead to me lying and telling some ornate story about why I don’t want to do whatever it is. Then you’ll get pissed off that I lied.

Let’s just save time.

If I say No, you can say ok.

I’m happy.

You’re happy.

The End.

It’s really that simple.

And it’s difficult because the boundaries change every day with every person.

So if you want to all me to do something, then ask. But if I say no, please don’t keep trying to convince me I’m wrong.

The Parents Prayer — June 9, 2018
Balancing Act — June 5, 2018

Balancing Act

Its been bothering the hell out of me that I have no motivation or energy to workout/exercise/meal prep.

January – July 2017 I went to the gym 3x a week, meal prepped and ran 2 nights a week.

All that stopped as August 4th crept up on my life, eyeballing me like a hooker casting her eyes on a well dressed man in a BMW.

All my energy and progress went out the window and in the gutter.

I have yet to dive in and fish them out of Pennywise’s hands.

But as much as it does bother me, it doesn’t.

Which also bothers me.

Because if it bothered me as muh as I feel that it should, I would have done something about it.

Like not eating the Tastykake Cupcakes and Krimpets that I intentionally bought in bulk to save money and stock up.

Which was pointless.

Hi. My name is Beth and I have a 2-pack a day cupcake habit. I hide in the pantry with the lights off so my daughter doesn’t find me eating her lunch snacks. 😐

I couldn’t understand why I could and wanted to do do all that healthy crap then but not I’ve got nada.

I would have thought that now it would have been easier to get my motivation back.

Everything is going relatively well.

Not my monkeys, not my circus has helped me survive and I’ve reached the point where I’m a 8.5-9 out of 10. on the happiness sale.

I get to work on time. Get better sleep. Have some really freaking cute dresses and shoes. Got money in savings. Credit card balance is coming down. Totally killing the ‘Mom’ thing. Room is clean.

Just don’t have it in me to do pushups and burpees.

Why, when everything else seems to be going well, can I not get back in line with the healthy crap?

Yesterday I think I figured put why.

Maybe it’s because when I was working out and eating better, that was all I had.

I was beyond stressed and exhausted. I look better on the outside but inside I was a freaking mess. And not even a hot mess.

It was the easiest thing for me to control.

Now I’m doing better in the other areas but because I’m making time for the other areas, I don’t have time to go to the gym or meal prep.

I do my best to be in bed by 8pm and wake up before 5am. Remember to take my prescriptions every morning even if I don’t take my vitamins. Keep my life as stress-free as possible. Don’t let people use me as a doormat. Play board games with Charlie. Allow myself to be happy. Quit smoking in November.

Overall I’m happier today than I have been in a long time.

And every time I make time to exercise and meal prep, I’m so tired from getting everthing else done that I end up just calling it a day and taking a nap.

AND is that really such a bad thing?

Blah — June 3, 2018

Blah

I feel crappy today.

Not sure if it’s all the rain

Cramped creative space

Dad sick

Tired

Just want to lay in bed and cuddle and watch movies

Not just me and Charlie

Not just me and a man

Just me and my family

But not any family

I want a home

Where I can cuddle my baby

Where my dogs can pee in the yard without judgment

Where my future significant other can be good for us and comfort and love is

But

Here I am

Sad

Lonely

Cleaning my room

Again

Laying in bed

Staring at the ceiling fan

Waiting

Wondering

How the full does my room get so god damn dirty

AND

Why the fuck do my damn dogs pee in my room 😠

This

Sucks

Road Blocks and Bull Shit — May 24, 2018

Road Blocks and Bull Shit

I’ve hit a slight road block.

It’s a really odd one though.

I’m not really sure how to explain it so this is probably going to be a bit of a clusterfuck.

But at least I’m consistent…

I’m not sure where to go from here.

I’m happy but I’m also frustrated.

In general I’m happy with my life. Something I am over extremely impressed with since it’s never happened before. I feel like since I switched my daughter to a school closer to my job things have gotten a little better. It’s still stressful but in a different way. Whereas before I was stressed because I had to rely on others to help me with her every day, now I really only have to rely on myself with the exception of when she is with my mother-in-law every other weekend.

Additional pluses to bringing her to and from work/school with me are:

  • not having to rush home before and after work to take her off someone else’s hands
  • knowing she’ll have a way to and from school
  • having extra time with her every day (color-spy and song singing bonding a plenty!)
  • a few days a week, she’ll fall asleep during the car ride home and then sleep until the following morning. This is amazing! She gets her full 12-13 hours of sleep per day and is like a different child AND I have options that don’t revolve around Mickey Mouse Club House a few nights a week.

It’s also spring again so I’m able to go outside and get yard work done.

But it’s also spring again and the list of things I’m being told I’m not allowed to do in the yard is pretty much everything, I feel.

I wanted to plant creeping flowers along the driveway to pretty it up a bit but that got vetoed because my mother said that my father wouldn’t like the idea.

I wanted to plant grass seed in the back and along the side and was told no because it’s a waste of money because we have dogs. I had asked why we couldn’t just block off the side yard long enough for grass to take root. You would have thought I’d suggested chopping the dogs’ legs off.

I wanted to plant a container garden. I was told it’s a lot of up-keep.

I decided to use the weed killer on the lawn to get rid of the dandelions and was told I couldn’t use it because of the dogs and the baby even though the bottle clearly says that it’s kid and pet safe.

I used it anyway.

Now every time one of the dogs blinks wrong, I’m told it’s because of the weed killer I used.

If the baby develops a nervous tick, I’m screwed.

I decided to mow the lawn but couldn’t because then it started raining and kept raining for 2 freaking weeks.

Every time I’d set aside a weekend to clean/do laundry and re-organize our bedrooms, something would happen that kept me from accomplishing my tasks. Either I got sick, my daughter got sick or my mother in law would have to cancel.

I know there are people that say that there is not enough time in the day but I think the majority of them are full of shit.

These are probably the same people that say that they understand what I’m going through because they raised children while their husbands worked or both of them (husband and wife) worked.

It’s not at all similar and if I hear it again I’m going to end up homeless or in jail.

I was once like them.

Once I thought that it would be easier if it was just me and Charlie because it would be one less person to take care of.

I thought about asking for a divorce.

I never got the chance to follow through though.

I don’t know how to explain how I feel right now.

I feel happy but I also feel ungodly frustrated.

I feel like a whiny little bitch but then I feel like I kind of deserve to whine.

I feel normal but I feel like I don’t have any time to do anything.

I feel like I’m falling back in to another rut but I don’t know how to make it stop.

But I know if I don’t do anything then it will definitely happen.

On the bright side, I had almost a whole month and a half of good times.

Back to the drawing board I go…

More specifically, I go to my Pinterest account and scroll through my feed and I come face to face with things that cannot help me right now because either A) not enough time, B) not my house and/or C) requires child to be awake and no chores remaining.

So back to square one.

With a box of Kleenex and hopefully a get out of jail free card so that when I snap I won’t be in prison for a long time.

How do I do this without spending more money?

I really need to get a grip on this fucking grief spending debacle.

This is fucking bullshit.

Widowed Parenting Hack #1 — May 21, 2018

Widowed Parenting Hack #1

When the kids are pissing you off and you tell them that if they don’t knock their shit off your going to beat their asses.

Then they respond with ‘You can’t catch me NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA!’.

Just tell them in a loud whisper ‘That’s what daddy/mommy said…’

#AlreadyPayingForTherapy #MightAsWellGetMyMoniesWorth

Widow(er) Life Hack #1 —

Widow(er) Life Hack #1

If you ever do shirts for another fundraiser-type thing, put the GoFundMe address in in big letters on the front of the shirts.

That way when you have 100s left offer, sitting in your closet that you finally end up donating via clothing Dobson boxes and they then end up on kids in Africa in those dang ‘Just 25 cents a day can feed Pedro and his 9 brothers and sisters for a month’ commercials the people who see him on TV will donate money to your GoFundMe.

I’m officially the brightest bulb in my box. 😁💡

I’m also going to hell…

NOTE: Just 25 cents a days can help a widow pay for her antidepressants and buy the GOOD mac and cheese for her child who INSISTS Wawa brand mac and cheese is god.

TIRED — May 16, 2018

TIRED

It’s T-minus 24 hours until my cycle starts.

So far I’ve

  • Fallen sleep while driving too many times to count
  • Warned about 2K people to steer clear for the next 7 days
  • Thought about quitting my job so I can go home, lay in my bed and cry in peace
  • Reigned in the urge to snarl at anyone that so much as looks at me
  • Contemplated the joy is find in screaming at the next prrson that looks asst me sideways

I don’t even think that the grief is making me feel like going on a murderous rampage.

It’s definitely the hormones.

I was normal before I has Charlie.

Now 3 days before Shark Week and I’m about ready to gnaw off my arms just so I can go home and go back to bed.

I want a nap 😢

Pickle Jars — May 7, 2018

Pickle Jars

If you do a Google search on ‘How to be happy’, the words meaningful and fulfillment will be in almost every URL, snippet, and site link from the beginning to the end of the search engine list. This is my take on how to dig up your own little happiness treasure and keeping asshole pirates from stealing your booty. (Happiness = booty you dirtball. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

The Merriam-Webster dictionary (because who takes Wikipedia seriously?) states the following:

Meaningful (adj.) – (a): having a meaning or purpose, (b) full of meaning; significant

Fulfilling (adj.) – providing happiness or satisfaction

The words and their meanings are inspiring but vague.

How does one FIND this meaning and purpose so s/he can be happy and satisfied with their life?

Continue reading