Surviving Widowhood

lack of concentration and other hysteria

I feel like I have something inside of me that I need to get it out, I can’t put it into words because I can’t concentrate on one thing looking enough to get that done. It is the most frustrating thing!

For example, I was on the phone with my new new therapist, and I was telling her about how I feel like my inability to follow directions and focus is going to cost me my job. But I don’t know if that’s actually true or if I’m just blowing it out of proportion. Because I can’t tell. I don’t know how to explain why I can’t tell, but I can tell (the difference if I’m overreacting or undereacting). Because I can’t tell, I end up constantly worring about it.

I feel like I feel like I never finish what I start in a reasonable amount of time because either I take side detours and/or I end up screwing up (during one of my detours). It’s also not just with work. It’s with everything.

I don’t know why but the thought just occurred to me that maybe if I would have been able to pay more attention (to Mike), I would have noticed something and been able to do something. I don’t know. I mean ultimately if he was going to do it, he was going to do it and it wouldn’t have mattered what I wanted.

I reached the point where I’m just so pissed off because I’ve now reached a point where I feel like I suck at life. And I would love to have someone here to tell me ‘I’ve been there too. I’ve been in worse problems. I’ve had a worse and it’s been fine. You’ll be fine just keep on pushing.’ But I don’t have him here because he left.

Whenever I start to get mad because I catch myself saying ‘It’d be great if he was here’, I start to feel bitter about it. But I remember that he was sick. So, regardless of everything else that happened, he was still very sick. And I can’t let myself get caught up in useless hope. Me thinking that maybe it (myasthenia gravis) could have been cured (Maybe it was an issue with this medication. Maybe it was a drug interaction because of the other stuff that he was doing on this side. Maybe it was a drug interaction from the pharmacy prescribed medications). But I can’t.

I can’t give myself false hope over thinking that it couldn’t have been something that could have been fixed. That the disease was something that could have been fixed. Because I’ll never know. I can’t do that to myself. To me that’s like playing the lottery, every single day, knowing that there’s only a 1 in 44 billion chance of winning. But there isn’t even a chance of winning with a thought like that. It’s just useless hope because it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, he’s so gone, and I can’t bring him back. And I really, I just hate that.

I feel like I never never finish any thought because I’m so all over the place. Like I can’t finish talking about one thing before I move on to the next thing.

That’s why I don’t talk to a lot of people. I talk to very few people. I have two girlfriends that I talk to and I keep in contact with daily and a few of my family members, aside from the ones that I live with. But I don’t talk to other people because I feel like they wouldn’t want to talk to me. Why would they want to talk to me? I don’t have super awesome things to talk about because I don’t have a life. My life consists of work, commuting, taking care of Charlie, gardening, and cleaning. And that’s it. So, I don’t know. I don’t know what else I have to talk about. Nobody wants to sit there and talk about fucking plants all day. I might be really god-damn excited that I got a new scarifier/aerator for my yard, but nobody else gives a fuck. Even the old people don’t care. And I get that, and that’s why I don’t talk to a lot of people. I don’t have anything to talk about. I don’t want to talk about work because if I talk about where I’m afraid they’ll see how stupid I am because I can’t remember shit. And I don’t know stuff. I don’t know stuff that I feel like I should know that I’ve been told I should know, which is really frustrating because how the hell am I going to know if I’ve never been told, but that’s besides the point. Why would I talk to people about work so I don’t have anybody to talk to about anything except for those few people and that’s fine with me. I’m happy like that. I mean I’m happier like that than I am when I try and talk to everybody else because when I try and talk to other people, all I get is a whole bunch of bullshit because I feel like people talk poorly about me. So, I have to choose between two evils. Why can’t I just live my life and be who I am and be how I am. Obviously not going stagnant with personal growth and continue to try and grow, continue to try and get better and all those different things I want to get better at, but why do people have to be so negative all the time? I just don’t understand it. I just want to be able to feel like I’m good at something. Not necessarily proficient because I feel like I’m not even an experts at gardening and yard work and I’m proficient at that like I know what I’m doing. But I would consider myself an expert.

I was told to find my own niche and figure out how to turn in it to an asset. What am I really good at? I’m really good at taking those mindless tasks that nobody wants to do because it’s boring and nobody wants to do it (i.e. hundreds upon hundreds of rows of stuff that needs to get looked up). I’m really good at looking that up and getting it done in maybe two or three days, whereas other people might take two weeks or more. Or they might put it on the back burner and forget about it. But that’s not a marketable attribute. How do I make myself marketable? How do I make a company want to keep me? How do I make my coworkers not think that I’m just another useless employee? Well, the only way that I can do that is if I can work efficiently get my shit done, and be more reliable but I don’t know how to do that because I feel like I’m giving 150% of everything that I have in my brain and my body, all the time and I’m still coming up short. And people when I say that will say, ‘Oh, well, you know, don’t worry about it. Everybody feels that way’. I understand that, however, have these other people gotten what I have? Have they someone let them go and tell them the other candidate was chosen because they didn’t because that person that they were talking to didn’t belong? I feel like that’s not a fair. And I get that he was probably full of shit, and I realized that he got rid of me so that he could hire his wife because he did three days after he got rid of me. Plus I was making 2x what the other tech was making but, again, I digress.

I can’t concentrate. I can’t finish a thought. I’ll fuck something up, as I’m doing it, while I’m telling myself not to do it. And I know that my co workers get frustrated. My mom or my uncle or Charlie will ask me to do something, and I’ll start to do it and I’ll get sidetracked and it won’t get done. And it’ll happen more than once. I don’t understand why there are people in this world that don’t have this problem, but there’s people like me that have it, and can get rid of it, or can’t get rid of it without taking a medication. And I only found this out a couple years ago. It’s not even, like, maybe two years ago. Ever since I was a kid, I can remember thinking to myself that if I die, like my parents would be sad but they would be okay because they have six other kids you know whatever. I never knew that nobody else thought that way. I never knew that there were other people on earth. That didn’t think like that, having said that to themselves more having thought to themselves about how much easier it would be if they got dead if they were dead. Like that blows my mind. I want a good day. think about that at least once a day. I don’t I don’t I can’t even fathom and understandably they can’t fathom how I can think that and they look at me like, I need to be committed, maybe I do. That’s Besides, I had a three to five year plan where I was going to take care of myself. I was gonna do everything that I had to do to take care of myself and keep everything else going. And I was gonna do my best to be off of my medication. So that I didn’t need to depend on something else to make me happy. And I feel like that’s never gonna happen now because I feel like the only way to get rid of what I have right now is to go on medication, a different medication, but I can’t go on that medication if I take the one medication that I take. So that means I have to pull myself down off of the one medication slowly with the help of a psychiatrist which by the way costs extra money because you still have to go see them. And I don’t know how that’s gonna affect me. I don’t know how that’s gonna make me feel. I don’t know if that’s gonna make me like manic or if it’s gonna make me bitchy or if it’s gonna make me an asshole or if it’s gonna make me cry all the time or if it’s gonna make me sleep all the time, I don’t know, and I can’t sit there and try and tell my boss about any of this, because he doesn’t have it, so he doesn’t fucking get it. That’s why depression is so frustrating. That’s why people kill themselves. Because the people that do get it don’t know how to fix it and thr people that don’t have it are inescapable of understanding. So, you have people that feel frustrated and hopeless and pissed off, and they have nothing. They feel like they suck at life and have nowhere to go, because they just keep coming back to the same problems over and over again and they don’t know how to make them stop, even though they’ve gone to therapy. And then you have people that are that are just negative people that just constantly bring them down. I wish that everyone on earth had to go through this for at least like I feel like maybe a month. I want to say a year but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t be able to do it for a year, they wouldn’t make it they would kill themselves. I feel like it should be like a rite of passage, just so that you can have empathy towards other people. And so that you’re not a dick. I feel like everybody, between the ages of 18 and 21, for a month should have to to take a pill that will make them feel mentally unstable for a whole month. Not crazy like ‘we’re gonna put you in a straight jacket in a padded room crazy’ but like mentally unstable where like they feel like they don’t belong, or they have problems getting out of bed like a whole month. They should do it for a whole month. And then after that, if at any point in time in their lives they use that by saying ‘well I got over it and so can you’ they should have to take that medication for at least a year just so that they can feel what it’s like to be given no choice. Because I don’t have a choice. I wake up, I think about every day. I think about it every day how lucky I am that I’ve been happy for so long that I haven’t gotten myself into another depression. That I’ve been able to pull myself out of them. Think about it every day how lucky I am. And I’m scared that the day might come when I won’t be able to pull myself back out of it again and I’ll get stuck again. And then it’ll just be a slippery slope of events.

I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m going to therapy. I try and take care of myself better than I was. I try and get enough sleep. I try not to do stuff that’s going to that’s going to cause me to be stressed out or triggered. I try to get personal space when i can i mean it’s difficult to do when the whole world is under quarantine and you live with three other people, but I try and do it. I take my medicine every day. Religiously. I don’t drink. Although, Lord knows Sometimes I wish I was still drinking heavily because at least then I would forget about whatever it was, was going on in my brain for a short period of time. I don’t do drugs, non prescription ones, I don’t know, and I go to therapy. At a minimum, well, I was going to therapy every other week, but I had to switch therapists, because the new psychiatrist office that I found that I could get into, which, if you don’t know what it’s like to get into it, try and get into a new psychiatrist’s office. I highly suggest you try it and see how long it takes because usually there’s a six month waiting list. The new psychiatrist that I needed to get in to see requires me to see a therapist in his office, once a week, which I get, because they are giving me antidepressants, however, um, I really liked the therapist that I had by okay whatever I guess I won’t be seeing her anymore I will see this other person and that’s fine. I just don’t get it.

I don’t even know what I was going after with that.

Oh, I remember…

I don’t understand why I feel like I’m doing everything that I could possibly do to be well, emotionally, in my head. And I feel like it’s, it’s working a little bit like you know I mean I do take some solace in the fact that, you know I haven’t thought about killing myself in over a year. I do take solace in that. I mean that’s a pretty big thing. When you have clinical depression. But I don’t know what else to do for everything else. I’m working on the clinical depression and that’s that’s awesome that’s fabulous. It really helps you to keep a job when you get there on time. But you know what else makes it easier to keep a job is when you can fucking focus and get shit done without sucking it up 150 times. Doing It Wrong every single time until you finally, by the grace of God and baby Jesus and the skin of your teeth, get it right.

I don’t know what else to do and it pisses me off. Because I know that it frustrates my co workers. I know that they think that I’m less of a person, or that I’m irresponsible or that I’m stupid or that I don’t care, or that whatever other negative things you could possibly say about someone who constantly screws up and you think they do it on purpose because they don’t give a shit. I get what they’re saying. I totally do. But I don’t know what else to do about it. I don’t, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to fix this part. I didn’t want to have to take another medication, but I feel like if I don’t, then I’m not doing everything I need to do to make sure that I keep my job. And I’ve even thought to myself that well you know what? If you get laid off again then that’s what’s supposed to happen and that’s God’s will and that’s what the universe wanted and, you know, good things will come from it eventually and so on and so forth and that’s all fine to sit there and try and not freak out about how I’m going to pay my bills. But how am I going to afford insurance? I have a six year old and I see a therapist every week, and a psychiatrist once a month. How the hell would I afford to pay that? There’s no way that I’ve been able to think of that I can work my way around that. Because I think about it a lot, especially with this virus, with the COVID-19 virus that’s going around because right now the company is letting us work from home, and eventually they’re going to run out of stuff for us to do. And at that point, we’re gonna have to come in. And that’s perfectly fine but then what do I do about my six year old that’s at home, my mom does not want to watch my six year old. She may act. Occasionally, like she doesn’t understand why I think she might, but I know she minds, because I listened to him a bitch about it for, I don’t know, 32 years or no not 32 years for 28 years while she watched my sisters and my brothers. Okay, so I know she doesn’t want to watch them. I know she doesn’t want to watch her. And I guess she’s had seven kids. My mom has done nothing but take care of other people since she was a kid. She took care of her grandmother, she took care of her mom then she took care of her dad. Or she took care of her dad that she took care of her mom that she took care of her uncle that she had seven kids then she took care of my dad. She’s tired. I can’t fault her for that. I can’t fault her for not wanting to watch my child. But what do I do when that happens, what do I do in that situation when I have to go back to work and then I have to choose Do I go back to work and risk my daughter, getting this virus that’s going around, or do I stay home, or do I get another job at another place that will let me work night shift that way, at least I will be home during the day for her Am I she won’t have to talk to my mother. But at that point when do I sleep. When would I sleep. My daughter was super excited to go to the Y today, or not today. I have a girlfriend who has been sending her daughter to the Y like once a week, just so that she can get her out of the house so that she can see other kids so that they stop irritating each other. And I thought that was a great idea. And I had considered doing it with Charlie because the wine near my job is also doing the same thing. But then, then I heard on the news that there’s a new virus or it’s the COVID-19 virus and that’s. It’s how it’s affecting certain people, mostly children under 18 and under 50 will not necessarily just like little, little kids but like 18 and under so far, where if they causes Kawasaki syndrome, which means that they get a horrible rash. They get, like, I don’t want to say abrasions because it’s not the right word but like their skin like every surface of their body like their eyes, their mouth, their nose, their outside skin like the part that you can see other arms, legs fingers and to the rest of the body blah blah. Guess it’s a horrible crash. And they’re dying from it. And those kids never tested positive, they never had symptoms of having COVID-19, they never had the fever they never had a cough they never had anything. Separate maybe one day they woke up with cramps, or maybe one day they had a stomachache. Or maybe one day they had a late heading. And then a month later they’re in the hospital with this cow izaki syndrome, and they’re dying. So how do I do that how do I. How do I say, How do I risk my daughter’s life. Knowing that she’s the only reason why I have made it, as far as I have. How do I risk her life. So that I can help be a part of the workforce. How do I do that how do I justify that how do I say that I can do that, especially when I don’t have to because I don’t have very many bills, all my bills including how much I pay my mother for food every month. I can afford to pay that off of what I get from my social security for Charlotte. So, how do I. How do I justify me putting her life in danger. Even if it’s just once a week, like I’ve tried to think about this every which way like well maybe if I only took her like twice a week. That way, you know, my mom would only have her if I went back to work during the day my mom would only have her three days a week. Or maybe I maybe my mom could take her two days a week and I can take a day off, but then it’s like okay, but then I’m just gonna I’m still exposing her. And my mom had said well what if, you know, places like that are going to be pretty well taken care of, you know, the staff will have baskets and yeah you know what they will my girlfriend did tell me that you know the staff has masks and everybody uses hand sanitizer and everybody wears a mask and everybody washes their hands. And you know, there isn’t a lot of people there and so on and so forth. Yeah, I get that. However, these are kids. How the hell am I supposed to expect my daughter to be around other children, and have both of them, and her. Remember that they have to stay six feet away from everybody. They have to keep their bands on at all times how are they going to eat. They’re not allowed to share food. What happens if one of them coughs or sneezes and spreads the virus that way. Like, how, how do I do this. And I know that the majority of society is thinking the same way. And I know that there obviously are people that have done that, because they have no other choice, but I feel like I do have a choice. I don’t have to stick. But I want to. I don’t want i mean i want I’m, I’m, I literally have to stay because I want insurance. But I don’t just want insurance I want to go in to work I want to feel like a part of society I want to do something. I can be happy at home. I can be happy, going to the park every day with Charlie, I can be happy homeschooling her, I will lose my mind while I do it but I will be happy. but it pisses me off that I have to choose. Actually, it doesn’t piss me off that I have to choose it pisses me off that people will judge me regardless of what I do. Which brings us full circle as to why people have to be so negative. I was asked if I could go into work today. For one until eight or nine. Not a problem. One o’clock is perfect. It gives me all morning to get done Charlie’s her work, and I still have time to make her lunch before I leave so all my mom has to do is worry about making her dinner. Perfect. Perfect. at seven o’clock. I realized what time it was because I was doing stuff for. I was looking stuff up and I’m, you know, getting stuff together and that kind of thing and I realized what time it was, keep in mind I got there once at seven o’clock, I realized that I hadn’t checked in on anybody to see if they get any help, and they hadn’t come to me so I was like well let me go ask because I want to make sure that they dinner. So I go upstairs and they’re gone. They want to come in to be back up for them and they didn’t even let me know that they were leaving. They left at six. I could have left at six. But I didn’t because no one told me, like, I don’t know. I mean, I can’t tell like am I overthinking it and they just forget to tell me I mean, they are I mean obviously they’ve been working like seven days a week they’re definitely exhausted. Maybe they just forgot to tell me But then on the other hand, maybe they’re pissed off because I haven’t been coming in as much as I need. So, two girls don’t have kids but the one girl dies and I would imagine it’s just as hard for her. I don’t know. I really need to stop giving a shit about what other people think of me but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet either. I don’t know, I guess it’ll all wash out the laundry in the end.

Surviving Widowhood

All I do is wash, fold and put away laundry…

I think that out of all the household chores I do, folding laundry is, quite possibly, my least favorite. Seconded only by putting it away.

I don’t mind cleaning ceiling fans, dusting, vacuuming, and moving furniture. Shit, I don’t even mind mopping the fucking walls to make sure that I don’t have dirt streaks.

But folding laundry, is the bane of my existence. And ever since COVID-19 closed down schools and businesses mid-March, the laundry situation in this household has gone of the rails.

And that’s all well and good, especially for the water company who I’m sure is reaping benefits right now, but my daughter is six years old, and she does two to three wardrobe changes, a day…

I used to just go through her room on laundry day and smell the clothing to see if it was clean or not but I can’t do that anymore because even if I did, they’d all smell clean because she’d have only had them on for a few hours before the next wardrobe change. With the exception of socks and underwear because there are some things that I just will not tolerate, I do not, I’m not going there, they automatically get washed.

Because now, if you go outside and come back in your house, you’re supposed to consider your clothes possibly contaminated. And you’re supposed to strip down and wash everything that’s on you and take a shower.

All I do is wash, fold and put away laundry…

News reports, billboards and everything else is talking about when we’ll return to ‘normal’, how it will be different from before, how long it will take, what the new precautions will be, et cetera. What life will be like after COVID-19 is gone, and about all this other shit…

No one realizes that the real truth of the matter is that it will never go back to normal because ‘normal’ isn’t a real thing. It’s just a word we use to describe something familiar and less scary.

Our generation will never feel safe again. Our kids will be forever changed.

The only thing we can hope for is that some good will have come from this. Maybe employers will be more strict about employees staying home if they’ve taken ill. Parents will have newfound respect for teachers. People will have better personal and environmental hygiene. The majority of humanity might finally realize how much they were missing out by working so much and not spending time with their families.

These are the things that I remind myself when I worry that this will have a negative affect on my daughter’s life. Because the only thing I can change is how I view it and how I let it effect me.

But Normal?

It doesn’t mean that what was before was safer, better or a more positive experience.

It only means that it was ‘known’ and ‘comfortable’

Before March 13th, I was finally on a schedule. I hadn’t been late for work in months. Charlie hadn’t been late for school in months. Everything was getting taken care of and I was totally sure I was going to be a Mom of the Year this year because in January when they started selling all of the stuff for St Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and Easter, I went out and I bought everything in advance.

I bought all the holiday tshirts and the Valentine’s for her to send out to her friends and had her fill them out on the way to and from school before the second week of January ended. I even made the little goodie bags for Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, and Easter.

I never buy those things because I’m always like “they’re not gonna let her wear it (to school)” and every year, so far, I’ve been wrong. So this year, I was like, You know what, I’m taking care of this. In January.

I’ll be god-damned if she hasn’t used them, because this dang virus. That’s what I get for trying to be prepared…

I flipped back and forth on so many things. Not that I didn’t do that before but I feel like it’s worse now. Maybe I just noticed it more?

For example, part of me can’t wait until schools back in session and I get to go back to work and then the other part of me thinks it’s kind of nice being able to spend the days with Charlie. The other part says I should have moved and bought a house when I have the chance. But then another part of me reminds me that there’s really no such thing as job security. It honestly doesn’t exist. It’s just another phrase that we use to try and make ourselves feel better, just like normal. I’m afraid that I’ll buy a house and a few months from now, my department shuts down, or they decide that I’m not getting enough work done, and whatever. Or what if the company has taken such a hit and lost so much money because of this virus. What if I have to do layoffs? And then not only will I have house and a mortgage payment, I’ll also have to pay for all the other shit that has come up. And I won’t have the money to do that. But I feel like at least if I stay here, and I have someone to argue with, I feel like it keeps me from getting bored. I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it. But then again, that’s also because this is my normal. And I’m afraid of the unknown. I don’t know.

I had been given time off, paid time off at work in the sum of 10 days, which I split into half days, and was working four hours a day. I ran out of that not this Friday that just passed but the Friday before. And last week was the week from hell. I did talk to my manager and he said not to worry about it because there isn’t very much that we can do if we don’t have the time to put in, or if we don’t have work to do because our projects have gotten canceled for now then, you know, what do we do, and I just, I don’t know. I’m just really scared. I really like the company that I work for, and I like a lot of the people that I work with. And I love that area and I love the school that Charlie is in.

I guess this is our new normal.

Our new nightmare.

I guess we just have to make the best of it.

Surviving Widowhood

Bread. Milk. Eggs.

And toilet paper.

No one really knows why or how toilet paper got on the ‘Essentials Necessary for Surviving an Apocalypse’ list but I think it has something to do with having so many euphemisms involving shit.

Maybe we’ve used these sayings so much that they’ve started resonating with our subconscious during blizzards, hurricanes and pandemics?

The odd part of this whole pandemic thing is that I’m not nearly as freaked out as I thought I’d be… Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the medication helps but in the total picture I just feel like I’ve been mentally preparing for this my entire life. All the anxiety, social awkwardness, and recently finding an interest in gardening might actually pay off.

I still have periods where I panic but I feel like they are warranted. For example, when my mother told me she wanted me to take her to BJs at 8am because they let seniors only in from 8-9am. I am really proud of how I reacted externally because internally my response involved a lot of high pitched screaming and not nice things. However, externally I took a really deep breath and said that it’s not a good idea to leave the house if we don’t have to… She said it’s going to get worse before it gets better and I said that might be true but the more we go out, the more we’re risk exposing ourselves to the virus and bringing it back in the house. We are pretty well stocked right now. Between what we have in the fridge, freezer and pantry we could potentially not have to go to any store for 2 weeks, possibly longer, if we play our cards right.

It has actually become beneficial that we have had Tupperware containers full of various types of beans for at least 10 years.

The way I am looking at things, we could potentially not have to leave the house for a month and even then it would only be because we would have run out of flour, meats, fruits and veggies.

I’m not sure how long it will take to get my garden to the point where it is putting out food but I at least have it started…

I have cauliflower, broccoli, beets, onions, garlic, bush beans, pole beans, sweet peppers, hot peppers, various tomato types, lavender, peas and 2 types of carrots, beets and onions, plus assorted herbs and lettuces with more to come.

It has taken me over a week to get this far on this post because I am so overwhelmed and pulled in so many different directions and I need to purge but I’m afraid to complain because I know that everyone else on earth is currently living the same thing right now and I feel like such a whiny baby but I don’t know how much longer I can take this…

I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

How the fuck am I supposed to work a full time job, take care of my uncle, take care of my daughter AND homeschool my daughter every day?

My job is giving those of us with children 10 days of extra PTO to use and I’m very grateful for the generosity on their part. However I’m still stressed AF. I can’t take 10 full days off because then after those 10 days are up, I’m screwed. And they just announced schools will be closed in my area until May 18th. Which is great because I’m not sending her back in to school if there’s a chance she could still contact the virus but on the other hand, how do I work and take care of her and homeschool her? So I’m using it in 4 hour increments every day. But do you know hours much you can’t get done in 4 hours? I do. It’s a lot…

I always thought that I wouldn’t last too long once the world started to end but here I am 14 days in to it and I’m still chugging along.

That should give me hope for the future, right?

Surviving Widowhood

Idiots

So many years of therapy.

You know, on one hand, my anxiety has had me preparing for this for my whole life.

On the other hand, I just want my dad.

I’d wish for my husband but I’m not sure how’d he be taking this…

I’m so scared.

My anxiety is through the roof.

My head hurts.

It’s not safe to leave my house.

People think this is all a joke. A hoax. Just like the flu.

What a bunch of fucking idiots.

I just can’t deal with so much ignorance. Humanity is stupid.

Even wild animals know when to stay in their dens.

Surviving Widowhood

3 Good Things that Happened to Me Yesterday…

#Shapa #ShapaChallenge #3GoodThingsThatHappenedToMeYesterday

1.) I talked to a recent new friend from work. She checked in on me to see how I was doing with a recent project because she knew I was having issues with it a few weeks ago. <<<insert teary-eyed ‘aww’ emoji here>>> #TooPureForThisWorld

2.) I completed a different project at work. Projects at my job come in parts so they take a while (years) to see from start to finish. Getting to the end of one feels like finally crossing the finish line of a 5K.

3.) A man a like said more than five words to me. Look. It’s the little things in life!

Surviving Widowhood

Medication Mess

At some point in 2018, I was on 450 mg of Wellbutrin for a few months. That lasted until October – December 2018 when I started noticing that I was getting a headache every day around the same time. It ended up being caused by the wellbutrin so we (me and my dr) worked it down to 150 mg and there it has stayed in blissful balance.

That is until I noticed that I was having headaches again that would start some time in the afternoon and last until bedtime. I’d still have them when I went to bed but they’d be gone by the time I woke up only to come back later that day.

I started weeding through everything to find the cause and I was brought back to my old friend wellbutrin because nothing else made sense. I’m eating enough, hydrated, getting enough sleep and no more stressed than any other time in my life that would justify having daily headaches.

Being the scientist that I am, I decided to run an experiment by skipping my wellbutrin at night. It went as follows:

Friday night: all but wellbutrin

Saturday: no headache; took all meds that night

Sunday: headache started at 10am; took all meds that night (didn’t want to risk being crazy at work) #MacNCheeseIsExpensiveAF

Monday: MOTHER OF ALL HEADACHES started at 10 a.m.; took all meds that night (also was bloated af, gained 2 lbs and my hemorrhoids were out of control for no damn reason)

Tuesday: headache started at 2pm; took all meds again. Google told me that stopping wellbutrin can screw with the digestive tract so I decided to keep taking it for now BUT discuss with my new psychologist about weaning me off of them over the next 3 – 5 years.

Wednesday: headache started at 1pm. New psychologist setting me up to meet with the practice’s shrink for medication management and etc. Hoping to continue with ther wellbutrin for the time being. Will update after psychiatrist appt.

Surviving Widowhood

New Year’s Resolutions: S1, E2

So far my quest to drink more water has been working. Some of the days above list zero ounces drank however I just forgot to mark it down in those cases.

As a rough guestimation, I’d say I drank between 24 and 37 ounces on those days. My reasoning is that I have a 24 ounce bottle at my desk and 33 ounce bottle in my car, both of which get refilled at least once per day and so far I’ve gotten five people to join me.

Some things I’ve noticed since starting:

  • Ever since I got pregnant and miscarried in November 2015, I’ve had this problem where I’d pee a little bit every time I coughed or sneezed. It had gotten to the point where I would intentionally limit water consumption if I was sick because one sneeze would have me emptying my whole bladder for no damn reason. My biggest moment is that this no longer happens when I cough or sneeze. I’ve noticed that it only happens on days when I’m under 40 ounces and on days I’ve gotten above 40 ounces, it didn’t happen at all.
  • Having to pee. Often. If I drink warm – hot water, I’ll have to pee about once an hour. If I drink cold to room temp water, I HAVE to pee every 10 to 20 minutes AND I freeze my ass off no matter how many blankets and winter coats I’m wearing.
  • Getting sick. In the past, I’d catch whatever cools my cootie queen daughter brought home but, <<<Knock on wood>>>, I’ve noticed that I haven’t gotten as many, or haven’t gotten them, in the last month.
  • I used to have these small red bumps all over my arms that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I exfoliated and used lotions and oils. They started to fade by the end of the first week and while I still have them, they are less before and not as ‘angry’ looking. Overall, the skin on my whole body doesn’t feel as dry and itchy.
  • I’ve been making better food choices during the day. I’ve been eating more veggies and protein and less sugar and carbs for breakfast and lunch. It helps that they are delicious. No lie, I could eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner. However, I am still finding myself hiding in the pantry, eating M&M’s out of a teacup so that if my daughter finds me, I won’t have to share them with her. And I may have eaten a whole pint of ice cream by myself the other day for no good reason other then that it was delicious.

I’ll check back in again next weekend.

Ciao.

Surviving Widowhood

3 Things I Am Proud of Myself for This Week (02-19-20)

Just an FYI on what reminded me to write about this for this week:

I don’t want to make anyone jealous or anything but I think this is the longest I’ve had my shit together since I was in diapers (both physically and theoretically)…

I even remembered ro go through last year’s tax return to check if I was missing anything from this year’s paperwork. AND I actually FOUND it…😱

1. All my laundry is clean. Charles was home sick Monday and Tuesday so I was productive. Not productive enough to put it away BUT at least it’s clean

2. I MADE TWO NEW WORK FRIENDS Thursday!!! If you know me, you know this is a big deal for me because I don’t talk to anyone for fear of rejection.

3. Not only did I ask someone for help, I asked for different people AND, because they are all so gracious, didn’t have an anxiety attack! This is actually what I’m most proud of for the week. Normally I’d just end up waiting for the anxiety attack to happen and pass before asking for help.

I guess all those years of therapy stre finally paying off!

Losing my mind

Unconditional Self Worth

In her TEDx talk on Cultivating Unconditional Self-worth, Adia Gooden states that feelings of low self worth have become pervasive or widespread. She explains that self-esteem and self-worth are completely different and asks the question of ‘how do we get better?’

Dear Adia,

Challenge accepted…

Continue reading “Unconditional Self Worth”